TWO, NOT ONE

B. McGILLICUDDY

It's a dynamic, not a "connection". It's just two different people in frequent contact with each other, bending moods and warping expectations, producing chemicals. There's an "agreement" between us, but it's vague and there isn't a "prevention" clause. There are only stipulations regarding how we interact when physically "together". Everything outside of this is what it would be between strangers.

I do this, and it doesn't affect her life. This is done to me, and it still does not affect her. She does this and that and the other, and it is her business and hers alone. This has no telepathic implications, no matter how much I want it to. There is only the friction between us, like two gears working a clock, and when the mechanism is taken apart for repair, and there is nothing between us, there is nothing between us.

We are two different people, two minds, two hearts, two sets of corresponding genitalia. And I'm having an extremely difficult time coping with this realization.

I want "us" to mean something. And I think it does on some level. "Us" means "you and me", a phrase that denotes there's a harmony there, that our vibrations collide and make something beautiful, something better, but it does not mean that we stop playing our own melodies, just that it's "good" when they come together, that we're "compatible". And I suppose that works for me.

I still fucking miss her though. Fuck.

B. McGILLICUDDY