EXILE FROM PANSYLAND

B. McGILLICUDDY

It never sinks in how much you like something until it's gone/you can't have it/someone pries it from your warm, living fingers.

This morning I woke up, and she wasn't there beside me. Worse though, there was no sign that she had left except that she wasn't there. Her phone, keys, and wallet were still on the coffee table, there was nothing to indicate she had changed out of her pajamas, and there was absolutely no note posted anywhere addressing her whereabouts.

It took me half and hour to really work myself into a panic, but by then it was by far the most emasculating moment of my life. I've lost my girlfriend, I have no idea where she might be, and if she's in trouble or hurt, I am completely oblivious to it and couldn't do anything if I wanted to. DO NOT WANT.

But I also knew that she would ridicule me for having a freak out if this were "no big deal", so I decided to casually take a stroll in the open morning air. It was cold. I just wanted her back! I just wanted to break the neck of whoever had taken her away from me! I just wanted to ream her out for not having said anything to me before leaving. Why the fuck? Why the fuck am I here? Why the fuck am I settling for this type of emotional masochism? Why aren't I where I left my heart and soul and talent, some 3,000-odd miles away!? GDMNT!

After another half hour of blind panic, I realized that there was nothing I could do and nothing I could say to make this better, and decided to go inside and lie to myself about the whole situation for as long as it took to get over it. Lo and behold, she was back in the bed, text messaging. "Where the fuck were you!?"
"I dunno. I tried calling you."
"My phone's dead. What do you mean 'I dunno'!?"
"I dunno, I blacked out, must have been sleep walking. Weird huh? Just woke up on the neighbor's couch foot-to-face with some other drunk broad."
"Can I just let you know? I just had a major freakout, I was genuinely just having a serious separation anxiety attack. Please tell me it was justified! You were gone, with no word or sign you had left, for an hour. It was like the fucking rapture happened, and I totes missed out."
"You freaked out? Hahaha! Sorry bud, can't empathize with you there, I do all kinds of weird stuff like that. I'm here now though!" Well, I guess I'm glad she's back. I suppose...

"I'm really, really horny!" She whined in her Pamper Me Princess voice, "Could you put your cock in or around my pussy and just kinda leave it there forever?" I looked at her, my face still panic-stricken, and my gaping mouth slowly warped into my mindless grin of ecstacy. I know, I know, I know.

B. McGILLICUDDY