ASSES WITHOUT HOLES

B. McGILLICUDDY

I'm like a stubborn monkey. Like, if we had too much banana pie last week and I'm sick of it, I'm sick of it for ages. Like, don't even mention banana pie until the next big territory war over the orangutans who live five branches down, because that's the only thing that could possibly get me pumped about banana pie again.

I've never used Linux and really don't know what it is except that I know that TRUE nerds use it. Like the nerds I wish that I had the focus or mental capacity or level of reclusiveness/anti-solidarity to be. So when I realized that PC's made me angry and no one I had any semblance of respect for was using one anymore, I found Apple computers very conducive to my naturally lazy personality. Then I realized that when Apple products break, they are broken, and that I am supporting socialism by owning one, and I realized that this makes me wish that money didn't exist at all.

Is it odd that I seem to be naturally attracted to women of Scot/Irish descent? I mean, I live in America, where it's your job to mix up the ingredients of humanity a little, and here I am, playing into pre-patriotic-post-nationalism by dating a Mick. Does that make me a cliche? Does that make me the most cliched type of cliche ever? An American Cliche!?

Why am I asking questions about topics I don't care about, or bringing up topics that I am not remotely invested in? Is this stream of consciousness blaaag post a sign of my insanity, or the fact that you're reading it a sign of yours? Or neither? Or less than or equal to?

Okay, so the topic of this post is love. I am in love. I don't know why. I don't care why, because I like it. So now that I've decided these things, it's time to take all these factors and figure out how to make my life interesting with respect to them. For example: take the list of statements above, then add this one: I prefer Pepsi to Coke (the one that is not an alkaloid), and that makes me a pretty interesting person, because what if my significant other is predisposed to liking Coke (the cola)? There's conflict there. Will we break up over this issue? Will we get into an in-depth discussion about our tastes over Coke (the drug) and end up yelling at each other passionately about this and other matters of personal preference?

The answer is no. Why is the answer no? How do I know this? Because I am a clinically diagnosed psychic. I already know that we break up over the issue of whether or not I should dye my hair pink for a photoshoot at the pinnacle of my career as a male model. So that makes the previous series of situations completely hypothetical. Which is good.

If I were the rhinoceros in the "Make Love Not War" poster, I'm not sure if I would be embarrassed or particularly peeved that a photograph of me was used to help America lose the Vietnam War, since I lived in Africa and the conflict didn't particularly affect me. But I think if I were a culturally aware rhinoceros, then I would probably just approach the whole situation with a bit of a detached, judgmental, blank rhinoceros stare, because generally Americans should know that rhinoceroses fucking isn't the hottest way to promote a sexual revolution.

I'm going to go eat some pizza now, and talk to that Mick who likes Coke (the solid, carbon-based fuel) and don't you dare mention banana pie.

B. McGILLICUDDY