What would you do if you found 'the perfect ass'? Would you try your damnedest to 'acquire' it? Would you acknowledge its superiority and admire it from a distance/tug to images of it pretty frequently? Would you feel insanely jealous? What kind of god would authorize the existence of 'perfection', but to 'test us'?

What will you do now that you have seen it?

There is no cellulite on this ass.

There are no blemishes or 'beauty marks'.

This ass is 'well-fed'.

This ass belongs to a hot woman.

This ass only comes around once every millennium.

Imagine what sound this ass makes when slapped. It probably 'reverberates' and 'resounds', like thunder. The tragedy is that this ass will only stay this way for a decade at most. The phenomenon you are witnessing has, like everything, an 'expiration date'. Is it enough that you just witnessed it? Is this ass something to be pursued? Attained? Redistributed to the ass-deficient? Are you willing to go to 'great lengths' to find this ass and 'place your mark' on it? Will this ass be a meteor shower or a moon landing? It is your decision.

This ass, it beckons.



Romantic Rhetoric is an extension of 'the collective perception of love and romance' with a 'dark humor' aesthetic and tonal approach.

Romantic Rhetoric is 'targeted toward America's douchebitch population', as a reflection of most romantic relationships, throughout history, ending in 'tragedy' and/or breakup, despite Western Civilization being perceived as 'monogamous', because of couples' 'irreconcilable differences' and tendencies for 'unacceptably selfish behavior' within the context of the relationship.

Romantic Rhetoric is an international brand despite its foundation in North America and its Western conceptions of love and romance, due to the internet being a means of instantly communicating internationally. This creates the potential for Romantic Rhetoric to become 'international relevant' as the world and blog evolve.

Romantic Rhetoric helps you understand the basis for miscommunication and emotional confusion when 'in the throes' of infatuation, a romantic relationship, and also in the contexts of on-going and one-time sexual encounters.

Romantic Rhetoric is a blog that sees 'sex', 'love' and 'romance' as pretty sweet ideas, but in only a few contexts relative to how frequently they are used in pop culture and entertainment media as vague, mystic abstractions or forms of metaphysical human connection.

Romantic Rhetoric is here for you and won't ever let you down or lie to you (again).




This is a post about emotional maintenance and psychotic behavior. What do you do if your normally chill-ass bf/gf is becoming 'distant'/'more distant than usual'?

Eventually 'everything must die', but here are a few ways to keep Mr./Mrs. Right Now 'snogging' just you for about a week maybe.

-- Purchase tickets to a show that 'could change their life' or something, at a music venue that will have 'lasting nostalgia' and make the break-up process harder on them

-- Learn some new sex move that will 'blow their minds' and turn 'break up sex' into 'surprise make-up sex'

-- Get a make over and remind your 'mate' how 'fucking hot' you are so they will regret 'leaving you'

-- Tell him/her someone really close to you died so they will stay with you through the 'grieving process'

-- Name a 'heavenly body' after your 'lover' so they and the rest of humanity will 'never forget' you/them (not sure if this is actually 'a good idea' or just 'fucking strange as hell')

-- Spend $3000 and buy your 'significant other' an 'I AM CARLES.' tee that Carles will personally deliver to your 'boo's' house. They will either appreciate the gesture/gift or leave you for Carles. I think the latter is slightly more likely

-- Stop being a fucking douchebitch for 'a day or two'





Seems like there are aspects of human interaction that require 'taking the edge off' of what would normally be 'too serious' or 'not as fun', in order for people's 'moods' to transition into feeling 'Romantic' and 'meaningful' for the purpose of potentially experiencing 'true love'. It isn't that often that I feel the 'necessity' to indulge in 'binge drinking' or 'drinking to get drunk', but I frequently experience times when it seems like taking some shots would be 'a step in the right direction' or something. It is a form of 'pre-foreplay'.


When I am at a bar and I see a cute girl who looks DTF, I make a gesture that shows her I am equally DTF, and specifically DTF her, by purchasing an alcoholic drink using my bar tab and having the bartender give her the drink with a message from me. It gets her pussy 'wet', I think. It has been clinically proven that alcohol is a vehicle for very passionate/memorable sexual encounters.

I think since there are so many different types of 'aphrodisiacs' and 'factors' involved in having 'good sex', seems like alcohol might be 'the greatest discovery of all time' with reference to getting people laid in a way that removes 'intimacy' concerns and initiates a 'romantic rendezvous' with relative ease and without consequences that are given a negative 'spin' in retrospect.

After a drunken sexual encounter, I feel that there is a higher 'likelihood' for there to be minimal guilt and for the overall experience to be viewed 'positively' given that the people involved remember it. It seems to me that a high percentage of humans meet 'the one' while intoxicated. Here is a photograph taken by [whoever Emma Watson is dating right now] and she seems to be saying 'I am going to "Make Love To You" tonight, bro, because you are funny and sweet and flirtatious. Thank you alcohol' or something.

It pisses me off when people personify alcohol in an attempt to convey that drinking it had some sort of 'direct correlation' with them making a decision they view as negative and would have avoided/ignored/might have still done sober. Maybe if it were described as a 'liquid matchmaker' sometimes I would feel like it was receiving fair treatment or something. How many of you met 'the one' while 'shitfaced'? Seems like a common occurrence to me.





Today is me and my girlfriend's third anniversary. I thought it would be pretty sweet to @ her via twitter so that everyone could see what i had planned for her all day, especially since all of her girlfriends follow both of us and get a huge kick out of how romantic/flirty we always are in public. But Twitter went down this morning. Fuck. It just wouldn't have 'been the same' if I texted her. But now I'm afraid 'we're finished' because my plans fell through completely. Here is a list of the tweets I planned on sending her via Tweetie on her iPhone:

bttrcpmcgllcddy: @mrs_mcgill <33 I've got a surprise for you today, but ur going to have to work for it ;P

bttrcpmcgllcddy: @mrs_mcgill the old courthouse @ 12:30. hehe.

[ i bailed her out after she got a DUI a year ago. she was pretty embarrassed but she quit drinking after it and said I helped 'change her life', so it's a good memory. was going to meet her there and tempt her a little with some necking, but not kiss her, and let her drive my car around for the day (i NEVER let her drive my 'stang even though she begs ALL OF THE TIME) thought it would be sweet ]

bttrcpmcgllcddy: @mrs_mcgill it was nice seeing you! hehe. can't wait to finally smooch ur face at the end of this lil treasurehunt ;P

bttrcpmcgllcddy: @mrs_mcgill be @ the nat'l mall at 2pm sharp. rmbmr where we first kissed?

[ was going to tie a necklace around the branch of the tree that we kissed under on the bank of the Potomac River :( ]

bttrcpmcgllcddy: @mrs_mcgill i xpect to see you wearing ur lil piece of 'booty' when i see u 2nite ;P

bttrcpmcgllcddy: @mrs_mcgill there is a present waiting for you @ the bakery on U St. Hurry before it gets cold/melts :D

[ my girlfriend loves icecream cake. was going to have them bake one w/ hot fudge (also her fave). had to cancel the order ]

bttrcpmcgllcddy: @mrs_mcgill guess what's playing at the AFI in Silver Spring @ 6:00?

[ '16 Candles', her favorite movie. Was going to meet her there and watch it while my buddies set up the last little surprise ]

bttrcpmcgllcddy: @mrs_mcgill hope you like pizza. Armand's, 9pm <33

[ I bought out the local Chicago Style pizzeria, where my friends Aaron and Jeremy work, and was going to have them rearrange the entire place to look like an Italian candle-light dinner mood thing. Then, when they brought out her sundae for dessert, I was going to tweet this: ]

bttrcpmcgllcddy: @mrs_mcgill what do you think about making your twitter name your legal name? hmmm? <33

[ on the top of her dessert would be a 3k diamond ring that I basically went broke to buy her ]

FML. Jeremy texted me that Twitter was down just before I sent my first tweet. Didn't know what to do. Kind of had a nervous breakdown/anxiety attack. Called my girlfriend. Tried to improvise. Wasn't the same. Ended up spilling the beans to her over lunch. She basically broke down and cried and didn't want me to touch her. I'm really worried folks. Feel like 'the rest of my life' is potentially fucked over this.

Feeling pretty depressed. She seemed really upset. I think she will come around eventually though. I hope.

How did Twitter's little 'meltdown' affect your life/routine/plans for today?





Kind of having a hard time believing that gingers are 'real'.

When I think 'ginger' three hot redheads come to mind. I am pretty sure that only one of them is actually a natural redhead.

Kickball Katy of Vivian Girls

She is a rock star and bass player in an OK punk-rock/femme-punk buzzband from 2008. Seems like that is impossible. Seems like it is a gimmick to get people to care about a band that they would normally turn a blind misogynistic eye towards. 'There is a hot redhead playing bass in the band' seems like a legitimate reason to listen to them even if they are only 'OK'. I really like this band and almost cried when I missed their set at a party on July 4th. Felt like shit.

Bryce Dallas Howard

The daughter of a hotshot teen actor, film director, and voice-overbro for 'Arrested Development'. H8d that show. Love Bryce Dallas Howard. The first movie I saw her in was 'The Village', which was the first movie I saw the now defunct hollywood personality Joaquin Phoenix in. My point is she is amazing and is the reason I see movies that are 'super shitty', like 'Lady in the Water'. I basically only sat through that movie because she was in every other scene. But I think the only reason I like her at all is because of the ginger gimmick. I don't even know if she is hot. But she has red hair. Damn.

Faye Reagan

This broad is a pornstar. She is too tall to be a good pornstar. Her ass only moves in one direction. Good pornstars have a 360 degree ass-motion radius. But I watch her porn. I don't know why. I think it is because she is a redhead. Is she real? She looks like a stuffed toy in this picture.

WTF is it about gingers? There is something extreme and disconcerting about them. I think that I like it.


Are gingers real? If they are, is it an evolutionary advantage or something? Are gingers more readily bangable than other human beings? Does Harry Potter have a ginger fetish? Damn. This whole blog post should have been about Harry Potter's ginger fetish. Fuckkkkk.





Bros. Folks. Dudes. I think I'm going to cry. I think, I think I'm gonna need some time here. Some 'space' maybe. I think it's time for a hug-out. A serious, motherfucking, hug-out. I mean, I have to 'share something' with you, folks. This is going to be A BROMENT. This is a major broment in history.

I just fucked Natalie Simmons.

I just 'pornstar fucked' a GODDESS.

My day could not get any sweeter. My night could not have gone better. There is a song by Queen written about me and my cock. Please allow me to tell you about it.

You folks remember. We were playing our like fourth or like maybe twelfth game of pong. Don't know. Things were getting fuzzy. Jasmine Winslow and her posse rolled in. Natalie was among them. I have had a crush on her for like five years maybe. Since I was a freshman. I don't know. She graduated last year. Why was she there? I feel like I asked her this multiple times.

She said she was 'in town' or 'visiting her lil sisters' or something at Kappa Kappa G. I don't know. Seemed sweet. I kicked Roarke off of my pong team and she started playing with me. Somebody put on Journey. Damn. She can't sing. She is still hot as fuck though. Damn. I banged her. Not 'over' that yet. We won like three pong games in a row. At first, each shot she made, she would high five me. Eventually she started hugging me. Then during a game-point where both teams had one cup left, shit got really serious. I landed my shot. I was stoked. And afraid. She wasn't going to make hers, I knew it. She did, and kissed me. She hugged and kissed me at the end of the game.

We played another game, and we didn't make any cups. Well, she did. Damn. Can't believe I admitted that. I take it back. We didn't make any cups. So we got drunk. Pretty fucking drunk. Damn. My hangover just kicked it. What a bitch. Fuck. So we were like 'brown out' at that point. Next thing I know, or remember or something, we were making out. On the floor. She's an okay kisser. We were making out and her shirts coming off. Everybody's there. I'm getting high fives left and right. I'm feeling like a champ. And like an asshole. Natalie Simmons is a classy broad. She graduated summa cum laude or something. I thought 'fuck' and 'what the fuck' a lot last night.

We go to my room. I kick Roarke out. Roarke's a bro. Roarke's a classy motherfucker. Roarke, gimme five, bro. So we're making out on my bed and shit. Fuck, shit, I was making out with Natalie Simmons on my bed. And this broad has got the nicest pair of tits. Natural. Quality. They were motorboatable. I admit, I motoboated a little. Seemed appropriate. I started taking off her clothes. There weren't much left. And you wouldn't believe. You wouldn't believe it. She started crying. I'm serious. She cried.

I asked her what was up and she said that she was living in the sorority house. Squatting. Because she lost her job. And she came out tonight with her lil sisters to like, relive college or something. 'The glory days'. She was pretty fucking torn up about something. I don't know. Maybe she was PMSing or something. I hope so. I fucked her raw. She got really emotional. Damn. She started saying things like how she always appreciated how nice I was to her and how she was grateful for my help in Ancient History class and shit. Real buzz-killing emo-ass cock-shriveling shit. She was thanking me and crying and hugging me and I kind of just wanted to do some lines or something. I asked her if she wanted to do some lines. She said 'yes' I think. Oh damn, Roarke, I owe you like, a hundred maybe. I used your stash. Damn. No, wait, don't you owe me like two-fifty? You owe me, well now you owe me one-fifty. So we did some lines and sobered up, kind of.

It was like 2:30 by now. We just kept talking about shit. Until like 5:00am we were talking about shit. About life and how the government fucks you over and how you can only depend on what makes you happy or some shit. She said she might come back to school and do grad school or something. Study finance so she'd have a 'head start' or something once the recession was over. I told her that seemed good. It seemed proactive and not emo, like she was making a good decision. Then she seemed like she was tired and tired of doing coke, so we spooned. We spooned for like an hour. Then my cokedick wore off. Damn. I got like an insane hard-on. Like the boner of the century. She started rubbing my shit, and goddamn, we were still naked and shit. I just put it in her, I just. Fuck, is it 1:30 already!? Goddamn, I'm late for Spanish. I can't fucking fail Spanish folks. I have to graduate this year. Later.

Yo, Roarke, could you spot me some adderall?




If I stretch my existence out long enough

I will eventually have the opportunity to genuinely love

Twenty people, I think

I just heard an explosion

Was that a fucking bomb???

Oh jesus, don't let that have been a bomb

Christ Almighty! Christ Almighty! Christ Almighty

There is nothing I would rather do than write poetry right now

Maybe have a cigarette

I eat chocolate frequently

And masturbate when I have time

And enough energy to think hard about a girl I have feelings for

Or whose ass seems to make good vertical movements

The potential for not feeling alone seems to increase when there are more people available on facebook chat

But I don't indulge in talking to people needlessly

Because it only kind of helps my existential crisis

I want to only do things that substantially counteract the effects of my existential crisis

No I don't,





Seems like everything on TV has gotten 'fucking lame', 'unrealistic', or pedantic as fuck recently. That's why there is only one show on television I grace with my undivided brottention. That show, is 'Californication'.

I've usually got 'a rule' when it comes to falling into the Prime Time shit cable trap, especially after a good second season, but just look at this goddamn trailer!

Okay, so it's really weak. But I mean, the man is a hero. He is God's gift to women. He is what I aspire to be all day, every day of the week. And he doesn't even try. No. Worse. He hates it. It's the bane of his life. He's a hopelessly romantic walking dildo.

What's great about this show is that it covers all the things modern Southwestern Bohemia is actually about, unlike Entourage, which is just Marky Mark's delusion of what bros jizzing on the general mainstream population of the world would look like in HD from the balcony of a Hollywood mansion. But since Venice Beach, the HQ for Hank's endless shenanigans, is, 'quite literally', the Devil's back yard/Ass hole/one of the most beautiful places in the world, there is psychopathic realism in his plight. It's romantic as hell.

You can watch all the back episodes (illegally) at http://www.watchcalifornication.org/

Damn. Sorry. Just remembered not everyone's got Cable/Satellite/Fiber-optics-based TV. But you're a cunt if you don't have TV at all. And you're not a cunt, so watch 'Lost', because this is based on it.

No but really, get off your ass and do something. Because you're wasting your lives folks. And this blog sucks ass. And Hitch is maybe the best movie ever. RoRhet Whatsup!? Should I be endorsing things on this blog? Damn. Did I do this on purpose? Anybody down for a few brewskies and stoags if I call some 'bitches' over to 'chill' tonight? I'm actually losing control of what I'm writing here. Fuck. It's hard out here for a douche.





Seems like there are lots of things in life that combine to become 'a blessing' and also 'a curse' at the same time. Hmm.

For example, President Obama. He was a blessing to the Blacks, but a curse to America. Since he has been elected it seems like he 'talks a lot of smack' but doesn't 'really give a shit' about anything, just like when he was running for office. At least that's what my daddy told me. But he's good because The Blacks are 'hella confident' in their race now and will move out of the slums and become an asset to the economy for the first time since the 18th century. My point is that there are things in life that are good and evil at the same time. I feel like 'b00bz' are another good example of this.

Don't really 'get' the purpose of breasts. I just remember back in elementary school when my nips started throbbing and all kinds of weird shit happened to my body pretty much 'all at one time'. It was 'totes awkward'. Feel like 'the process' of acquiring boobs kind of 'threw off' the process of me learning 'how to use them' a little, via them seeming awkward/ugly/pretty small 2 me. But once I got used to 'MY BOOBIES/LADIEZ/TWINS' and 'accepted them as a part of me/my body/my feminine sexualitie', I realized that all the attention I had been getting from boys because of my 'headlights'/training bra/'lil ant hills' could be used to mesmerize and perplex them into 'doing w/e the fuck I wanted them to do'.

I found this photo of some preggers lady's boob on wikipedia.

It's kind of beautiful. It's kind of amazing. It's kind of creepy. I guess I could see how if you weren't 'over-exposed'/'desensitized' to boobs, via having them, they would seem 'pretty sweet' and like something you'd want to touch 'just to see what they felt like'. I bet the first caveman who felt boob and saw the cavebroad's reaction was like 'WTF?' on account of nipples feeling good as hell to rub. I mean, it feels GOOD AS HELL when a guy rubs my nipples the right way. Cavebroad probably said the neanderthal equivalent of 'TAKE ME'.

I was actually thinking about getting a nipple piercing or like a RLY keut tattoo on my boobs to make them 'more fun' or something. I'm really worried about them losing sensitivity/getting infected/getting botched-to-shit somehow though, so I don't know. Would hate to deal with any more 'boob trauma' of any kind really. Kind of don't want to get old and have to deal with them 'getting all saggy' and having to 'move into a "less attractive" phase of my life'. Not sure if I'd be ready to accept it even if it happened

Really worried about becoming 'unattractive' folks. I realize that my boobs could eventually become 'more tragic' than me just losing my ability to 'warp' a guy's concept of reality, but I'm pretty sure I'd rather die than get my 'knockers' amputated because of some bullshit cancer.

H8 having to 'put them away' all the time. SRSLY don't get what 'the big deal' about nips is. It just makes it so I end up having to spend more money on lil outfits and 'boob-covering accessories' like bustiers and bras and bikini tops and even more cute shit to go with that like frilly lil bottoms and leggings and shoes that look good in the leggings and a purse that matches the shoes. Damn. There's just so much expensive/cute stuff. But it's all 'really fucking cute' though.

How do you folks feel about 'tits'/'titties'/breasts? Do you like yours? Do you wish they were bigger/smaller/shaped differently? Seems like there's an app for that. But do you RLY want to put some 'weird lil balloons' inside of your body? 'Jesus'. Would AMERICA exist without boobs???




Have you ever seen a girl or guy that is, 'without question', 'too hot to be alive'?
Photo Via Constance-Victoria

I was looking through my facebook friends today and randomly 'stumbled on' the profile of a girl who I haven't talked to in a few weeks. I decided to 'fb stalk' her page a little, with the intention of 'seeing what she's been up to' and ended up looking through her 'profile pictures album'. After the second photo I immediately thought 'why am I not having sex with this girl right now?' and then 'capped' that thought with 'i could go my entire life never looking at another girl but this one forever'.

I thought these things while also being hyper-sensitive to the possibility that they were irrational, chemical-based, and maybe 'creepy' in a way that people who heard about hearing about me thinking them would feel 'uncomfortable' or at least ask 'who is he thinking about?' with 'intense curiosity' or something. When you think 'fucking insane' things like this about people IRL, that is when you know that a person is 'too fucking hot to be alive/allowed to make more people who are comparably hot'.

There are some people who, no matter how long you 'hang out' with them, no matter if you 'party' or 'hook up' with them, more than once even, every interaction you have with this person will be from 'sub-par' to 'extremely mediocre' because there is this part of your brain that is constantly preoccupied with a type of excitement I call 'Proximity-Based Stupefication Resulting From Inappropriate Attractiveness' or 'PBSRFIA'.

It seems like a mild version of this happens when I meet a girl who I could potentially date, 'seduce', or become 'friends with benefits' with. But girls who trigger full-on PBSRFIA seem like a complete 'waste of DNA' to me, on the basis that my first reaction is to 'worship' them or something. What can I do with this feeling? It's useless. I would prefer to be 'mildly attracted' to 'everybody' than experience this.

Damn. Just thought 'what if I cause PBSRFIA in some people'. Damn. I feel bad. Am I a 'waste of a person' because I'm 'too fucking hot'? Would 'offing myself' help make another person's life 'more productive' via being able to concentrate/hold intelligent conversation/sleep better? Seems fucked folks.

What do you folks think about people who are 'too fucking hot'?
Should they be allowed to live?
Should they be 'banned' from social networking sites where they can 'infect' the internet with their hotness?
Should we sterilize them to prevent the world from being 'too sexy'?
Post links to 'fucking sexy' fb/google/partypic site photographs of people who 'strike you' as 'PBSRFIA-inducing hotties' in the comments section of the blog
Maybe we can compile a list and 'make the world a better place' by 'offing' them in a 'crazy' parody of 'the holocaust' or something




Photo Via Last Nights Party

I was at the bar last night and was having a 'dope ass time' with my girls. We got fucked up and were 'getting our freak on' with a couple of hot guys and just 'livin the good life'. But when we were done dancing and the bar was about to close all of these 'random ass bros' kept coming up to us (especially my bff Brit, she's tall and her ass looks bangin in heels). They kept trying to say 'mad lame' one-liners to us and after we rejected them, started saying some pretty vulger/fucking down-right nasty shit. I 'fucking hate' guys who are 'completely fucking desperate'.

I used to have this one guy in high school who kind of stalked me and said things out of the blue like he wanted to marry me and that he thought I was 'beautiful'. At the time I didn't like it because he was a 'nerd' and had braces and wouldn't 'get off my back' no matter what I did since we had classes together and stuff. I think I kind of liked it too though, because he would give me attention even when the other boys were off chasing the cheerleaders and 'really fucking hot' skanky bitches. It got extra annoying though when I got my first boyfriend and they hated each other even though they never really met. I kind of feel like we broke up because of him a little, because he was around us at school/during lunch when we should have been making out and when our core group of friends knew to 'stay away', he would come over and say things to be an asshole to my boyfriend. Eventually I yelled at him and told him he was 'weird' and 'ugly' and to 'get out of my life'. He left me alone after that.

That also reminds me of my 'best friend' in middle school. She wasn't as pretty as me and had kind of a lisp. When boys would start giving me attention she would get all naggy and jealous. It pissed me off but I also felt kind of bad because she was my best friend and everything. But why didn't she understand that we could be best friends at sleep overs/birthday parties/during art class, just not during gym or lunch? I kind of stopped hanging out with her when I started hanging out with the 'cool kids' and I don't think she ever forgave me for it.

Damn folks. It seems like nagging/desperate people are everywhere. How do you get them to 'leave you the fuck alone' and just let you enjoy being single/independent/hot as hell? I just want to work on finishing my degree and pursue a 'career' in accounting/business and maybe have a bf I can fuck/vent to until I meet 'Mr. Right'. I don't have time for all of these 'other bros', but it feels like I will be 'surrounded' by people 'desperate for my attention' forever. Hate it. Seriously don't know what to do. Seems like yelling at them would cause even more 'unwanted attention' and like maybe I would seem like 'a huge bitch' all of the time. Just 'want to have fun' folks. Cause I'm a girl, and that's what we do.