A funny thing happened last week. At the bleeding crack of dawn Friday morning, I got a call from Amy Winehouse asking me for advice regarding her public image, as well as her private one. She was on the other line with Lady Gaga and they had been discussing some aspects of sexual attraction and what self-important Hollywood-types look for in a broad, and apparently my name came up. So they asked for my take on what a man wants in a crazed, self-obsessed/self-loathing pop icon. Neither of them is really that far from the ideal, but they could still 'use a little work.'



Pertinent Music:
Michael Jackson - This Is It (Original Version)
The Dodos - Acorn Factory
Chester French - She Loves Everybody (Pance Party Remix)

Really want to 'get a hold of' myself. Having an 'epiphany' or maybe a 'spiritual experience' or 'emotional fit' or something. Might just be an anxiety attack. Keep thinking the question 'what the fuck was I thinking?'.

Went to the doctor today to 'get tested'. Seems like I'm fucked. The doctor kept saying 'everything's going to be okay' awkwardly and without making eye contact frequently enough. Not sure I trust these 'Hippocraticus' types; 'doctors'/'quacks'. Not even sure what those words means.

Kept thinking the 'doctor' in this video could have an STD. She is human, she is probably vulnerable to seduction/irrational behavior/drunken negligence, unless she is a cyborg, or frigid or something, which would disqualify her from talking about sex altogether IMHO.

What makes you different from me, Dr. Ko?

Repeatedly thought, 'there is no not-awkward way to "talk about" STD's', and 'what the hell is this?' while watching this video. Seems fucked, like our 'culture', via Christianity, scared people into 'not talking about sex' and thus prevented Americans from saying not-awkward things regarding sexual practices, regardless of their obvious normalcy.

I hate taboos, guys.

Despite this video's attempt to remain tonally neutral and 'state the facts', it seems 'intensely morbid' to me. Maybe I am in an altered state due to 'panic' or a repressed form of 'rage' or something.

Not 'sure' why we didn't just use a condom.

Suddenly not 'sure' why we would ever consider using a condom.

This video seems like quirky propaganda for stupid people. Pretty sure sex with condoms sucks. Suddenly feeling like sex is pretty arbitrary besides its procreational function, which is ironically the only function I am sincerely disinterested in (for now).

Not sure if I can call realizing 'life comes with consequences' and that 'death is an inevitable part of life' and that 'disease is an inevitable part of human interaction' 'rationalizing', but it seems true and somehow comforting. Feeling OK now. Might have an STD. Damn.

Feel like my 'reaction' to the test results will be appropriate, whatever they are/it is. Will probably insist on condom use more frequently if they are 'negative'. Will probably become a lack-luster supporter of ______-awareness and kind of a bad person generally if it's positive.

Going to avoid any activity involving what this anatomically represents for a while.

Seems gross/evil when I'm not horny.

Going to feel 'insanely lucky' if it turns out I don't have any sexually transmitted diseases/infections. There is probably a surprisingly large, undocumented 'demographic' of people who are 'clean' and have a lot of sex with each other. Doesn't seem that uncommon. Wonder where I could find statistics for something like that. Probably nowhere.

Damn. Everything seems OK, besides the fact that it hurts, a lot, when I piss.



Relevant music:
Hockey - Too Fake
Dead Man's Bones - Pa Pa Power
Fat Joe - Pornstar (feat. Lil Kim) Radio Edit

This is a suicide email 'my friend' 'CC'd' me before he tried to commit suicide and eventually ended up in the hospital with a pretty gruesome stomach pump down his esophagus, which I got to see in a picture. Seems 'intensely depressing.'

To Whom It May Concern,

I am going to kill myself today. If you are reading this, then I have already killed myself. If you are reading this and I have not killed myself, you are helping me edit it so that I don't convey the wrong message or impression of why I am killing myself and who is responsible for making me want to kill myself.

Angela Doherty.

She has driven me to do this. She is crazy. I love her. I apologize for being so intense about this and everything. Tell Angela Doherty and my mom I was in a skiing accident or something. I'm not out for revenge.

Jeremy Hilliard

Feels like this kind of behavior could be classified as 'pseudo-apocalyptic.' What kind of universe has this become that 'normal humans' are capable of processing the ability to 'fucking kill myself' and perform this action with gratuitous sarcasm? I don't think Jeremy is 'crazy' or 'depressed', just dependent on a person who is completely emotionally unavailable.

Seems bizarre that people are so naturally and remorselessly unfazed by the consequences of existence, though, in what I assumed was an insanely emotion-driven and survival-obsessed microcosm, id est human existence.

Is it arbitrary that the Andromeda galaxy is on a collision course with the Milky Way? What are the consequences of and how do you measure the extensive influence 'mass destruction' has in a universe where Twitter exists? Seems like information has become unanimously subjective and purposelessly accessible and has therefore just become material for 'dark humor', or something.

I talked with Angela over espresso and stoags after this incident and she said 'I was at a house party eating a girl I didn't know out while the guy I'm dating was watching when his friend called and said Jeremy had tried to kill himself.' She said she came as soon as she could so she could leave the party, but seemed otherwise ambivalent about the fact that Jeremy survived.



I recently discovered 'anime porn' commonly known as 'Hantie', while browsing for normal porn on my favorite free pornographic video site, and found this:

I think I feel more 'creeped out' than anything by these images/sounds/what is being simulated, via tediously hand-drawn graphic animation. I kind of feel 'turned on', but not in a way that I feel comfortable 'exploring physically'.

Honestly don't 'get' the function/consumer base for this kind of entertainment. Seems like this kind of imagery is the product of a 'severely repressed/deranged mind' that has an understanding of the physical ramifications of 'love-making' but no first-hand experience to 'draw from', only bizarre fantasies.

I think I felt how whatever bro made this seems to feel at some point in my life, via grade-school fantasies/reacting inappropriately to Disney heroine memes due to purberty, but that sentiment eventually wore off and animated people just became 'kids stuff' to me. Where/who is the audience for this type of 'entertugment'?

Apparently 'cool people' watch this/like this shit. Not sure if they are doing it 'ironically'.

Some bro from nerve.com decided to find out what it would be like to 'have sex' with a 'RealDoll', which is like a life-sized fake person you carry around with you everywhere, like a comatose girlfy or something.

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Srsly didn't realize I was so 'out of touch' with what my audience is 'looking for' in women/tug material/fantasies in general. Apparently it is 'cooler' to be dating a broad that some person made up who is sexual than it is to be actually 'fucking' a sexy (but by default insane and probably frigid) 'real vagina'.

I can't say this isn't confusing to me. What happened to 'valuing' 'human life' and 'personal relationships' and the ever-straining 'long distance relationship'? Is that era over? Am I the last to hear about it? Is it too late for me to 'take part' in this sort of deviant behavior, via tugging to 'fake people'? Since it has apparently gone 'completely mainstream'.

Feeling 'really confused', maybe about my 'sexuality'.

Not sure what is 'attractive' to me sexually anymore.

Do you all ever have this problem? Is fantasizing about something 'okay' as long as there are the quintessential 'genitalia' involved in the fantasy?

Will bestiality ever 'go mainstream', or will society bypass that and start 'having sex' with 'abstract ideas'?

Soooo confused/concerned.



I have been experiencing 'really fucking bizarre' emotions recently. Someone told me that the best way to deal with feeling 'heavy' emotions is listening to euphoria-inducing music and taking massive amounts of drugs.

Not sure what makes a song 'good' when thinking about the notions of quality vs. context vs. artistic self-awareness, but I have found that 'love songs' seem to make me feel 'genuinely euphoric' regardless of the subject matter as long as the lyrics and melody trigger ideas/feelings I experientially/existentially 'relate' to.

What I find really fascinating is that all of these songs are supposedly about 'love', a concept no one has been able to succinctly explain to me in concrete terms. Because of this I am having trouble understanding what makes these songs 'love songs' as opposed to 'non-sense songs' or 'Jesus songs' or 'tribal chants' or something. Going to do a comparative/comprehensive/highly subjective assessment of what 'makes' songs 'love songs.'

Additionally, this blog post is a promotional review of "Jesus Christ." (the indie band)'s debut single 'Is This Really What You Want', 'a love song'.


Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved
Not sure if this song is a 'love song' or a 'lust song'. It is sung from various perspectives, via first/second/third person, and doesn't really address any concrete ideas.

I think that Maroon 5 introduced me to the concept of love songs at some point during sophomore year of high school, and this song 'resonates' with me as the most basic form of 'love song', since it has the word 'love' in the title/chorus, and is about one person singing to/about another person they 'slept with'.

I think that the song's lyrics are placed somewhat arbitrarily throughout the song in order to fit the over-produced, heavily layered music beneath the singer's voice and to 'set the mood' or something. Unsure if this song really 'means anything' or just 'sounds sad and cathartic' and is about a girl.

The Beatles - Girl
This song seems more like a gimmick to me than the last one. When pop bands make 'ballads' it seems like what inevitably happens is that the song turns into a song about 'some anonymous ho' that the songwriter isn't over yet.

By doing this in the way that the Beatles did for this song, however, this might be the best-constructed generic love song ever written, via utilizing the word 'girl' for the chorus. It is beautiful in its simplicity and addresses all of the qualities that make for a tragedy-bound relationship with a girl who is 'out of your league', or just 'relatively cooler/more entitled/manipulative than you are'.

This is a 'love song' about 'pining'.

The Beach Boys - God Only Knows
Some bros speculate that the Beatles 'wish they wrote this song'. It is the quintessential delusional internal dialogue that I feel ultimately leads to a bro killing himself/going crazy because some broad feels 'cornered' and leaves the relaish because she 'isn't as in love with him as he is with her' and feels guilty or something.

Musically, this song is 'stunning' and I enjoy listening to the harmonies, tambourine, and other percussion instruments, including the piano and some guitar thumping that sounds good. This song conveys 'loveliness' or something while simultaneously seeming rhetorical and gimmicky, in that I feel singing this song to a woman could only elicit 'extreme emotions' because of how extreme the sentiment in the song is.

Unsure if I have a 'bias' against this song because of the 'God Only Knows...' line. When looking at it objectively the rhetorical use of 'God Only Knows...' still seems 'intense' but in a 'FGGTY' manner or something. Think The Beach Boys might be '4 FGGTZ ONLY'.

Animal Collective - My Girls
It has been almost a year since this song was 'hailed' as 'the best song on the best album of 2009'. Seems somewhat accurate in retrospect. I feel the most positive feelings listening to this song of any songs on this list, I think.

This song is about investing 'everything', via thoughts/efforts/money, into people who 'mean the world' to you. This song feels genuine to me, even if beneath all of this positive sentiment the singer might be 'delusional' or 'lying to himself'.

This song could be considered 'gimmicky' with respect to how avidly the 'ironic' crowd embraced it, since most 'hipsters' are not patriarchs/don't feel very passionate about anybody including their close friends, but it seems like the words in this song are coming from 'real, raw emotions' within the person who wrote them.

I think this song is primarily good because the people who made it 'love music' and were able to 'rip off' a good sample and put 'appropriately meaningful words' to it. Not sure what 'makes' it a love song, but it might be that there is a messianic renouncing of all materialism for 'family', which is a 'selfless ideal', like 'love'.

Joni Mitchell - All I Want
Feel like this song is a good example of what girls 'feel' like when 'in love' in the context of 'modern society'. This song seems 'really fucking tender' to me and like the woman singing it is very realistic about the expectations she has for her life/relationships.

Seems like this person just wants to connect to 'genuine people'. Maybe as many 'genuine people' as possible. Maybe this is an accurate assessment/assumption of the emotions 'every woman feels' in the context of a romantic relationship, and therefore the singer feels comfortable speaking from the perspective of 'woman' addressing 'man'.

This song seems 'extremely feminine'. It also 'effectively' addresses isolation and loneliness in the context of a relationship. Curious if this song is a 'love song' or a 'i want love' or 'i know intuitively what the fuck love is' song.

Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me
This song just seems 'fucking retarded' to me. Seems like I can 'relate' to these ideas, but like I associate them with how I thought in middle school/junior high. Not sure why Taylor Swift is still marketing to tweens now that she is a world-wide celebrity/worried she's still a 'virgin'.

Unlike the last song, this song seems shortsighted and delusional, similar to the comparison between the Beatles/Beach Boys. Seems like an attention-starved, socially retarded girl who has never been vaginally penetrated trying to convince a guy who has had a lot of sex that she can 'fix him' or something. Just seems retarded. Might take it off the list. Probably won't because it's bloggable and really catchy.

Beyonce feat. Jay-Z - Crazy In Love
This was the first 'Beyonce/Jay-Z' megameme I remember. Pretty sure this song 'started iTunes' or something. Also pretty sure the lyrics are 'the most vapid thing I have ever heard a woman say'. This song is about a Black woman who really likes to get fucked. This may not be classifiable as a 'love song' despite the word 'love' being in the title. Might just be about a woman who goes 'fucking retarded' when she has a cock inside her, and Beyonce is 'channeling'/embodying 'the pure euphoria of the female orgasm' or something.

If this song is 'a love song' it is strictly because of its pop culture value and due to the fact that Jay-Z and Beyonce have been 'together' ever since they decided to co-brand using this song/the neuly invented internet to 'change how the public views celebrity relationships'.

The fact that the artists who made this song are relevant again now, after six years seems perplexing to me. I feel like women who I consider 'nymphomaniacs' or who appear 'horny all of the time' relate with this song/Beyoncé very well. Not sure what that 'means' about love at all. Not sure if Beyonce is a strong, independent, Black woman or just really loves getting fucked/being the female version of a hustlah.

Daft Punk - Something About Us
I imagine this song as 'the original electro "love" song'. There isn't really much to say about it IMO besides that it has an awesome accompanying anime music video.

With regard to what it 'means' and what 'makes it a love song', the 'extremely french', seductive dialogue conveys 'sexual chemistry' and 'tenderness' that could be interpreted as 'love', but seems more like rhetoric used to solicit mindless sex or something, rather than 'a relationship' in which the two parties would actually do things besides have sex.

Unsure if this song has 'enough substance' to be reviewed further or if it is 'just a gimmicky love song' Daft Punk conveniently put in the middle of their album as 'filler' or something. Kind of feel like if some bro sang this to me I would sleep with him and not be surprised that he 'fucking bailed' in the morning, but might feel bad about being lied to/so easily seduced.

The Teenagers - Homecoming
Gorilla vs. Bear compared this band to "Jesus Christ." (the indie band), so it seems like this is an appropriate song to review. This song is about a bro and a broad who fucked. Not sure what else is going on here. Kind of feel like this could be the diametric opposite of "Jesus Christ." (the indie band)'s single, and is therefore 'worth including'.

"Jesus Christ."(the indie band) - Is This Really What You Want
Human relationships are complex and trying to 'put them in a box' like 'love' is not good way to convey what kind of synergy/dynamic/interactions people in 'romantic relationships' have. Regardless of this, it seems that every new idea has a preliminary point of reference or 'stepping stone' that allows a new form of 'understanding' to occur through meme-sharing. Seems like 'love' (the concept) 'had to come first' or the people on the internet would never realize that humans are 'seriously too fucking complicated to stereotype/rationalize/love'.

Seems like this song is 'innovative' for the reasons stated above. The idea of creating a soundscape that amalgamates sound clips relating to negative/neutral emotions that can be associated with 'breaking up' seems 'new' or 'original'. I genuinely enjoy listening to this song because I can relate to the content and find it 'meaningful'.

When two people form a relationship and can relate to each other in a 'meaningful' way, it feels good. When that kind of relationship ends, it hurts/sucks/is really fucking confusing. This song 'explores' the feelings of having 'loved' someone (in the conventional context of simplifying 'a meaningful relationship' as 'love'), and 'the existential limbo that occurs at the end of a relationship' (via not really 'loving'/feeling emotionally honest with your gf/bf anymore or something).

I think this song is a 'love song' mostly because I want to rationalize its existence in this blog post, but also because I think it relates to a series of emotions inside the context of the idea of 'love' that have only just now been touched on extensively/honestly. I think that 'love' is the same thing as 'honesty' or something.

This song is about being 'honest' and therefore 'loving' toward 'members of humanity' you are 'incompatible' with.



I've been taking inventory of my 'romantic interests' lately, and I've decided that my current girlfriend is not 'in my league' and that I could do much better as far as acquiring an aesthetically/sexually/intellectually attractive partner is concerned.

Here is a photograph of her:

Here is a photograph of her naked:

Meh. I admit, she's OK.

My biggest problem is that I have some reservations about dating Catholic girls, because they have pretty fucked up risk assessment centers in their brains. We have unprotected sex probably 80% of the time, and when we don't it is because she is on her period and doesn't want me to get blood and menstrual discharge on my cock.

Seems like I have been 'treading the line' between being a bro who is dating a pretty hot woman and being a bro who fucked up his life by getting involved with 'a fucking stupid whore'.

She dresses nice and everything, but a girl who looks like my girlfriend doesn't understand the concept of people not being able to give her constant attention. I have a lot of important things in my life that need to be taken care of and she just 'doesn't get' it.

Seems like her being near the top of that list should be enough. I don't like that she doesn't understand this and I think if her intelligence quotient were a few points higher she would be a much better girlf.

What I really want is an 'intellectual' broad.

I've been facebook/Gmailchatting this girl for a while now. She is actually able to hold a competent conversation and uses sarcasm in a way that isn't clearly insulting.

I actually got her to send me a nudie photo too.

She's a few years younger than me and is socioeconomically inferior to me, but as far as sheer intrigue is concerned, I feel like dating a 'self-aware' alt who isn't constantly making 'fucking retarded', narcissistic decisions would be infinitely better than dating a 'slutty' sorostitute.

Maybe I'm 'getting old' and 'looking for younger poon' or something. I feel genuinely confused about what it is that I am really 'looking for' regarding finding a girl to have a long-term relationship with.

Maybe I should find a broad with a 'type A' personality like my first girlfriend who I broke up with because I wanted to 'get tons of poon in college'. I actually kind of cried when I 'gave her the shaft'/lost my virginity to her via break-up sex.

We kind of had a fling last time I was between girlfriends.

For some reason this image is 'sexy' to me. It seems 'tender' and 'domestic' or something. She always insists, sweetly and non-condescendingly if I would put on a condom. I'm not sure what would happen if I said no

Not sure what I was thinking between the ages of 18 and 2_, or why I made such immature decisions with respect to who I decided to get 'emotionally involved' with.

Kind of confused whether this means I want to 'settle down' and 'have kids' or something, but really I just hope that I don't end up having sex with women like this cougar who is sexually soliciting me at my job when I reach my 'mid-life crisis'.

Her husband left her recently. Seems like I am primarily focused on acquiring a 'suitable mate' or something, and find someone I could 'realistically perceive spending an inordinate amount of time with for the "rest of my life"'.

Don't want some broad who will be manic-depressive or suicidal or something after 8+ years of being in a 'stable relaish'. Don't want to be 'the guy' who leaves shitty memories and a broken woman somewhere in the suburbs in the distant-to-never future.

Might go on a spiritual journey or something to 'cope with' these thoughts about my life/my future. Really not comfortable with these social pressures 'crushing my head in' or something. Definitely not comfortable with being solicited for sex by a MIWNLF via 'Mother I Would Not Like to Fuck'.

'Sluttie babes' via guess her muff.