5/07/2009

X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE: RAWR*ANGST*RAWR!!!

B. McGILLICUDDY

So, I don't know how many of you read comics, but let me tell you, I gave the fad up somewhere around middle school. And it wasn't a 'I just...grew out of it, ya know' kind of thing either. What had happened was, I realized that I'd neglected to keep up with the multiverse universes of each division of every comic house, and hadn't properly caught up with all the endless possibilities for each character's storyline/arc/plot development and wasn't really up for buying 40 years worth of back issues to recap, so I gave up.

At this point, I would honestly much prefer to spend my time on wikipedia reading ABOUT comics than actually READING THEM. Call me a cynic GUYS, but I think that the phenomenon that has manifested as the Comic Economy is primarily what's wrong with the film industry today.

Maybe Alan Moore knows what the fuck is up and is avoiding exactly what EVERYONE SHOULD AVOID: Mixing and matching comics and film. Videogames are another story.

Besides, this is a movie review, and it happens to be a movie review about 'X-Men Origins: Wolverine', a story that I am surprisingly already familiar with, and therefore know for a fact that it's a tragedy. Or at least when told RIGHT it's a tragedy. But goddamn it if Hollywood didn't feel the need to fuck it up and make it a hokey ready-made tale of 'losing one's sense of self' that's just begging for a sequel. Because (and I'm going to be honest here) this movie has no ending and was fer sher not worth the tiny budget that was spent on it.

The 'story' surrounding Wolverine and Sabertooth's background was appropriately shrouded in mystery, and the story of how Wolverine BECOMES WOLVERINE was no far cry from cliche. But you're comic fans, you know the story. But isn't it Hollywood's job to 'make it real'?

From the look of the computer graphics, the effects houses probably just got their first Green/Bluescreens in the mail and said 'OMG GUYS, LET'S MAKE A BADASS CHASE SCENE' and didn't know where to fucking start, so they half-assed it and threw it up on the screen, and that's what you, the audience, will get to see if you buy a ticket for this movie. Half-assed effects.

I livetweeted the movie from my twitter so let's suffice to say, everything you need to know, can be summed up here.

What was really off-putting though, and why this movie's worth blogging about, was the 'love story'. Essentially, Wolverine is 'Wolverine' because of some chick. And though, after watching this film, I wouldn't mind if Lynn Collins, the dame who plays Kayla Silverfox, were the sole source of all of my baby-mama drama from now till human extinction, somehow, Hollywood managed to counteract her being incredibly hot and used her as a means of ruining the middle/ending of what seemed to be a pretty good film. If you DO see it, see it because she's in it for twenty minutes or so.

And ladies, if you see it, Gambit (Taylor Kitsch) is the fucking shit, and is adorable, and performs multiple feats of deus ex machina, and absolutely outstays his welcome.

A love story with no explanation for how they fell in love, a vengence plot that ends without a shred of revenge, cameos of characters that should have been the stars of their own films. Jesus H. Christ. Will.i.am was my favorite actor, above Hugh Jackman even.

This movie tried to be a prequel AND its own 'film' AND the header for a badass sequel, three things that a movie should never try to do more than two of at a time, especially with only $100mil to do it with. I think I want my money back.

B. McGILLICUDDY

BONUS LYNN COLLINS NUDIE PIC (via allure)

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