this is a series of tweets i wrote around 4a.m. this morning.
-i'm going to tweet what i'm thinking, while i think it.
-i hate this, it's too much. everything is too right. it's coming at me from too many angles and i don't know how to process it.
-there is her and her and her and i don't have the skill or coherence to make a single good decision about anything.
-i reach out. that's what i do. i reach and am timid in my mind and wait for someone to say something, and they never do.
-i'm sorry, that's not true.
-i reach out and spend time wishing and fabricating and i am waiting for a specific signal, i never get my cue when i'm ready for it.
-and when it comes it is right after i am emotionally drained and disgusted with myself, and am not willing to say anything to anyone.
-and the irony is that's all i have to do. is say the line, then the scene is finished, and the next can begin. it's not fair to the actress.
-it's not fair to the world.
-i'm all asides and soliloquies.
-what if i just said 'i love you'? what if i said it and made sure i felt it right before?
-would i have the will to care? would i want to be alone if i didn't and it didn't work out? what mind do i have left to change?
-i am in love with her, the one, enthralled by her, the second, and fascinated by her, the third. what makes this seem so hard?
-because the nil broke me. the nil ignored me. the nil made me BELIEVE there is no love. so now i am afraid.
-i love you.
-no, that was too much. too much too soon. i always do this. i know i always do this. i am always going to do this.
-even though i mean it, there's no way she will accept.
-i am spent.
P.S. I'm being gas-lit again. I don't find that romantic at all. It just makes me irrational and angry. I need live/verbal interaction.
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