THE STRANGEST FEELING

B. McGILLICUDDY

When I was ten years old I remember masturbating
I remember thinking, 'why am I masturbating?'
I remember getting an erection
And wondering 'how did this happen?' And 'how can I make this happen when I want it to happen again?'
I remember my friend, Ashton
And I remember her boobs
And I remember them looking very round in her bikini at the pool
And I remember not being able to control my erection at the pool
I remember ejaculating at night once when I thought no one knew
I remember thinking 'what is this?' 'this is stupid.' 'I want to do this again and again and again and again and again.' and 'everybody knows I do this.'
I remember being 'horny' and thinking 'what a waste of time.' 'what am I supposed to do with this?' 'no one else feels like this.' 'I am ugly and can't change that or do anything about this or ever find out how to make this go away until I am married to someone just as ugly as me.'
'Fuck' became a part of my vocabulary
I went on the internet to see pictures of 'vaginae' and 'coitus', but mostly 'pussy' and 'sex' and 'porno' and 'big dick' so I could compare
Almost every day in high school I felt like this and did these things
Every night during high school, when I should have been doing my homework
I thought things like, 'fuck!' and 'cunt!' and 'pussy!' and 'damn!' and got afraid
Because I might have said them out loud with my mother there
At the end of high school, I went on dates
Once, I went on a date in my parents car with a girl called Ebony, and we got lost
So we stopped, and she looked at me and smiled, there was no one around
I asked her, 'Do you want to fuck me?'
She said something like, 'I don't know anymore.'
I didn't have a condom. I didn't want babies. I was afraid she had fucked someone before me. I got REALLY. FUCKING. ANGRY. instead of making out with her
While I was driving, getting more lost, I realized that girls need to feel safe with me, and maybe then they will fuck me, and I thought this was strange
In college I had multiple opportunities to fuck girls
I don't think that I like fucking
I think that I like making love or something
The first time I touched a vagina, it was with my fingers
And my fingers made the girl orgasm, and I didn't feel like I needed to cum
The second time I touched a vagina, it was with my mouth
And my mouth made the girl orgasm, and I didn't feel like I needed to cum
The third time I touched a vagina, it was with my penis
It was okay I guess, I came all over her body and maybe a little on her mattress
This has happened a lot since then for some reason
I think that the strangest feeling in the world, is wanting to put my penis inside one person in particular, and not just some anonymous vagina
It feels good in my brain, but really hurts my stomach for some reason

B. McGILLICUDDY