more ROMANTIC RHETORIC

B. McGILLICUDDY

I know, I feel your pain. I usually follow the steps, but every now and then there's THAT GIRL.

There's a playbook, you know. A playbook that outlines how to convince a girl that she likes you, even if, deep down, you're a douchebag; how to get her to let you into that head of hers, and how to get her to let you have free reign in it.

I've read the book, and I know steps one through fifteen by heart. There's a disclaimer though. It says "In the event that 'the pursuer' bypasses step seven in order to achieve step nine, and develops the inability to attain the 'prerequisites' (see step 8 article 7 paragraph 3) needed to reach step twelve, the rules no longer apply".

The title of step seven is "Wait. Wait. Wait. Be patient, now make your move! And now slow down" and the title of step nine is "Lose control, it's her game now".

Warning to all novices: NEVER BYPASS STEP SEVEN. It has a 97.333% chance of ending fatally. I'm one of the lucky ones, and I am warning you. Don't go toward the light. She's a sweet girl, I know, but put the ball in her hands too early and she'll trample you. Not because she doesn't like you, no. It is simply because there are steps.

Men, for an abbreviated playbook, paraphrased by yours truly, email me at the.absterged.one@gmail.com.

Ladies, I'm not sending you a playbook. Not because it's a secret, but because your reactions are hardwired already, and having access to it would cause over-analysis and possibly seizure. I'm looking out for you.

B. McGILLICUDDY

P.S.
There is no playbook. You're all fucked. ENJOY.