DITZ AND JIZZ

B. McGILLICUDDY

She walked in on me, just as I came. "Oh! Hi babe!"
"You've got to be kidding me! You're jerking off!? Now!? Of all the times! Of all the fucking days! I just got off of my period." She slumped down on the bed, disappointed. Of all the emotions!
"What? I can get it back up in like a half hour. Besides, I'll be kinda sore," I tucked my junk away, " And kinda numb, It'll keep me in the game longer!" I did a little dance to trigger her cute sensors, but it didn't work.
"Why the hell do you watch porn anyway? Aren't I enough for you?"
"No offense, but I think a better way of looking at it is, there's a whole world out there, and I still just want you. Isn't that enough for you?"
She gave me a pouty face of disapproval, so I sat down next to her and began to explain:
"You see, there's are three different types of girls. There are the girls I fantasize about, the girls I actually have sex with, and the girls I begrudgingly love. And on occasion, those overlap."
"What about the girls who are friends?"
"No such thing," I shook my head, "A girl I'm not fucking goes into the begrudgingly love or fantasize box. When those two categories overlap I tend to call it 'friendship' to keep it from getting awkward. Interesting thing about it is that the fantasize box is kinda open-ended, so it could mean I fantasize about arguing endlessly until we're all droopsie and gross together, or it could mean I see a girl as a catalyst for compacting potentially hours of thump-gushing into one, five-minute, meaningless jolt of transcendence. You, my dear, happen to fall into all three categories simultaneously. But based on your location, expectation, and situation, they have the ability to become mutually exclusive."
"Meaning?"
"If you're not here to have sex with, if you don't want to have sex, or you can't stand to have sex, then I will somehow find a substitute. But I work not to hurt you, because I don't want to hurt you, and would hate myself for hurting you, so I don't cheat. And when I do have sex, it's for you that I have sex, and with you only that I have sex, because you're my favorite person-slash-fantasy-slash-real-life-vagina when we're together."
"Oh, alright, I see. But there's just one thing I don't understand."
"What's that?"
"Why the hell do you watch porn anyway? Aren't I enough for you?"

B. McGILLICUDDY