DOUCHEBITCHES

B. McGILLICUDDY

DON'T BE A DOUCHEBITCH!

Douchebitches don't look at the big picture! They don't think about what the details mean either! They only care about their own understanding of the world and can't see past their own librarian-chic wine-goggles! Sluts! Whores the world calls them! But no! Douchebitch is the term we now adopt, because douchebitch is the term that best describes!

In the case of the master douchebitch, there is a level of arrogance that is only surpassed by her own insecurity about the limits of her malevolant reign over the human psyche. When in her presence, she is palpably both totally bangable and heinously noisome, but you're afraid to hate her because of her ubiquitous influence, and afraid to like her because she is part of a clan of douchebitches that inherently despise her and will rip you to pieces if you say otherwise behind her back. You don't know if you envy or pity her because power sprays like a flame from an aerosol can out of her nostrils when she's horny, and yet she garners genuine empathy when her life falls to shit on a weekly basis. But you know that the opportunity to evaporate her existence from the world would undoubtedly increase the Gross National Happy by 1,000,000%.

You ask, "Buttercup, how do we deal with the douchebitches in our daily lives? How do we cope with their vagina-dehumidifying, limp-dick-biting, innocent-mind-raping ways?" I don't know, Leo. I don't have a fucking clue. I know what I'm going to do though. I'm going to pour myself a glass of wine, sit down with a three-to-five good friends, and proceed to tear her life to sonic shreds, and repeat that process until I can't even remember her first name.

B. McGILLICUDDY

P.S. The douchebitch is you bitch.