DISTANCE

B. McGILLICUDDY

It was a black night. A new moon night. The city’s ember glow doused most of the stars once they reached the suburbs, but Venus, in her radiant glory, pierced the eternal blanket of the night like a beacon of hope.
“What the fuck did you just say?” She jolted.
His neck arched back and he faced the sky, nervously. Why these ticks happened, even on the phone, he couldn’t understand. He recomposed himself, “I...”
“Are you breaking up with me?” She cut to the point.
“No! I just...I think we should take a break. I mean...you’ve been pretty distant, and I don’t know why or how to bring you back, so maybe we should ease up a bit.”
She paused. It was a long, hard pause. He didn’t know what to think. He was testing the waters to see if she was still in it or if the fire was gone, but either way he expected her to want them to be close again.
“Is it bad that I feel the same way?”
Surprise.
“What? Is it bad that you feel the same way? Yeah, that’s bad! But shit, what’s worse is the fact that you didn’t tell me sooner!”
“I just don’t think we’ve been on the same page recently. I’ve had to work a lot, and you’ve got your art and everything. We don’t have time for each other, so maybe you’re right.”
Fuck that. He’d have dropped everything to be with her, that cockamamie suggestion was his weak attempt at manipulation, but now his emotions had built up and made it backfire.
“Goddamnit.”
There was another gap between their words. But it was nothing like the gap he felt between their hearts. He had wanted to have this discussion in person, but he didn’t know when he’d get the chance, so in fiery angst he had called her, knowing she was on the other side of town, but not knowing that that distance would feel infinite.
“I said I wasn’t going to do this. I said I wouldn’t cry,” She sobbed.
“Don’t cry. All I really wanted was to see what you wanted. Can you tell me what it is you want?”
“I want for us both to be happy. I just don’t think that that’s possible together.”
That was the wrong button. He realized that he didn’t want to hear what she wanted. He realized that she didn’t know what she wanted. She didn’t answer his question, and now it was pissing him off, especially since all he wanted was to be with her.
“Fine then, we’re done.”
“But...” He hung up.
He looked up into the night as tears filled his eyes. He blinked them away, forcing back any emotion but rage, and then he saw her. He saw that symbol in the night that for eons had represented the feeling he had, even now, though he had just shoved it beneath a mountain of anger, frustration, and now an entire ocean of guilt. He immediately called her back.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Look. You’re everything to me and I’m just scared that I’m losing you. I’m scared that if we break up I’m never going to get over you, because I’m madly, madly in love with you. I shouldn’t have said what just I said, and I shouldn’t have tried to manipulate you into saying what I wanted. Just, please, let’s make this work.”
He waited for her response, afraid it would never come.

To be continued.

B. McGILLICUDDY