THE GENTLEMAN'S PLAYBOOK (it DOES exist)

B. McGILLICUDDY

By insanely (not to mention surprisingly) popular demand, 'the steps' from 'The Gentleman's Playbook by Fitzwilliam Darcy Jr.', paraphrased by yours truly:

Step one
Make brief eye/verbal/physical contact.
Giving a girl a veiled hint that she's on your radar is important. It shows you know what you want, even if you don't. This SHOULD BE the point where you make up your mind about that. Otherwise she'll be unnecessarily confused.

Step two
Assess the general personality type of 'the pursued'.
There are a few things you intuitively pick up about a girl after observing her for a minute or two. Just make a quick note of 3-5 character traits.

Step three
Play the roll of the opposite personality type.
Play the opposing force. If she's loud and self-conscious, play quiet and confident. If she's cool and calculating, play obtuse and disruptive, she'll hate you, but it creates a certain level of attraction as well. If she's a blonde, just pretend you're as dumb as she is, it'll throw her off and make her feel good about her own 'intellect'.

Step four
Find common ground, and stay there.
If she listens to Incubus, and you've heard one or two of their songs, best to stay away from the subject, unless you're an awesome bullshitter, or if she's a blonde. If you don't have any common ground, probs best to start talking about sex, but in a non-abrasive way, or via gateway topic, i.e. lesbians, drugs, or phallic objects. Try to avoid mentioning the family here, may get sticky. If she brings it up, she's probs trying to throw you off. Get back to sex talk via mentioning family pets, hometown romance, or a comedic story highlighting a fam-member's drinking problem.

Step five
Arrange for a repeat encounter.
Not too tough if you're cool about it. Probs want to end the convo on a dif topic than sex before asking for a number or asking 'what you doing this friday?' unless fuckbuds is your goal anywho and you're getting fuckbud vibes.

Step six
Avoid extensive physical contact.
Once you're hanging again, just show her you're not socially retarded. If you are, you're most probs fucked here. Or you can pretend you're sick, hungover, or 'too cool for this scene'. But don't touch her. If you don't mess with her here, she'll be convinced you're not that into her, even though it's totes obvi. This'll make her drop her guard a lil'.

Step seven
Wait. Wait. Wait. Be patient, now make your move! And now slow down.
Most important step. When her guard is dropped, you make your move. You probs want to let her drop her guard a few times before actually making a move or she'll just be perplexed as opposed to excited by it. And by "a move" I mean kiss the broad. If she's got an apparent blemish/cold sore, but you're irking to make an impression, do just a lil' neck action (no hickeys) and then leave her alone. Gotta give her less than she wants but more than she's used to.

Step eight
Play the confident idiot.
She's expecting you to make the moves now. Avoid all mention of and/or reference to anything physical, and it'll secretly drive her insane. She asks you veiled questions, you act like you have C.R.S. disease. She asks you direct questions (which she won't) and you pretend like she's making you angry/uncomfortable. This will help develop the 'prerequisites' needed for competence inside a relationship. When she's least expecting it, go in for another 'move'.

Step nine
Lose control, it's her game.
Once you're involved, it immediately becomes her game. You try and pull anything openly selfish and you'll be in the doghouse. The doghouse = negative coolpoints. The more negative coolpoints you have, the more likely you are to get dumped.

Step ten
Hurt before you get hurt.
Typical relationship rule, but this one has parameters. 'Hurting' includes but is not restricted to veiled insults referencing indecisiveness, going silent for extended periods of time especially when unintentionally ignored, and not doing what you know she wants you to do and appearing openly nonchalant about it. These are all low-level forms of feline manipulation, and when they are few and far between, they're generally effective. But other 'more intense' instances of 'hurting' are typically banked by the female for future use in attacking your person. As such, they are not recommended.

Step eleven
Apologize before she apologizes.
This only applies when 'hurting' creates a longer-than-'short-term' rift between you and/or when she is 'irrational'. No matter how 'irrational' her anger, frustration, or agitation, it is your job to acknowledge that you are the one who is 'wrong'. Period.

Step twelve
Repeat steps eight through eleven.
After apologizing, you will be subject to severe scrutiny and/or verbal abuse. This typically ends in 'move-making'. Just play the idiot, because 'you are' the 'idiot'.

Step thirteen
Repeat step six.
Extended periods of distance help remind her she likes you touching her. Dunno why this is, but it is true. Avoid looking to other girls as substitutes here. This is one of the more vulnerable places where that kind of thing can happen. Though Ben Franklin had some interesting things to say about this, he was a cheater.

Step fourteen
Repeat steps seven through thirteen.
Going back to basics turns her on again after you've left her alone for a while. Dunno why this is, but it's true. Try some new moves, doesn't have to work straight off the bat, she'll appreciate that you try.

Step fifteen
If step ten results in breakup, DO NOT intentionally contact again
subsequent chance encounters will most likely result in a) friendship b) fuckbuds c) awkward acquaintances. Do not expect any 'more agreeable' outcomes. Being the first to apologize here does not ensure the problem is resolved whatsoever. She is insecure about you now. You're are no longer in the 'dog house', you're in a 'doggy grave', and she's not attracted to dog-zombies.

B. McGILLICUDDY

P.S.
This post is abnormally bland. I'm not entertained and don't particularly feel like entertaining people today.

P.P.S.
How many Pride & Prej references are in this? I lost count.

P.P.P.S.
I claim no responsibility for the subsequent seizures experienced by women who are now too self-aware for their own good after reading this.