Hey y'all, the weather report said the first big snow of the season is supposed to be today.
Don't want to be alone for the holidaze.
I'm not sure if y'all were informed of this, but human beings are a type of animals, and animals have instincts that help them survive when it is difficult to live/procreate/protect yourself and your bros from bad things like bankruptcy, Swine Flu, and bitches who are just in it for the money, especially in the winter.
And now is that time of year, where mental and physical health just don't seem as important as having a nice, warm body to snuggle with when the heating system breaks down and 20+ hours of sleep per day are required for anything even remotely constructive to happen.
Well folks, we here at RoRhet know your pain and we're dedicated to helping you acquire your winter snuggly cuddle buddy at any and all costs!
So here are some tips to snag yourself a lil short-term relaish to hold you over until springtime comes and you actually want to be with a person you're 'compatible with':
TIP NUMERO 1:
DON'T BREAK UP WITH HIM/HER (YET)
Who cares if your latest fling turned out badly? So what if you're 'wrong for each other' or you 'hate each other's guts'? It's those 'guts' that are going to keep you from freezing your ass off for the next three months, unless you want to cut of the one resource that is non-renewable at this time of year, 98.6 degrees of heat.
If your relationship is 'on it's last leg,' do your part in preventing social hypothermia and potentially relationship gangrene, because you know and we know, as soon as you realize how cold it is in two-to-three weeks, you're going to call the bastard/bitch back, and who knows if he/she will be available physically, let alone emotionally.
TIP NUMBER DEUX:
There is a slight chance that you'll find another 'special someone' despite the cold, but only if you get drunk enough.
We can almost guarantee that the prime specimens have already been 'tagged and bagged' early Autumn, if not lat summer, so you're going to be reaching for the bottom of the barrel, here, but hey, if you do find someone who'll take you home, you've got a good thing, and that good thing is called an alcoholic.
They are always fun this time of year.
TIP NUMBER TRES:
Double, triple and quadruple dating with friends is a good way to spend the pre-holiday deep-freeze, and could potentially make for memories worth the memorizing.
And once the holidays roll around, if you have a good group of friends you've gotten close to, there's potential for a self-sustained holiday, which is the first step in being an independent, domestic individual.
So if you're young, but have a low sex drive and high levels of amicability, make this winter a communal endeavor. Trust us, if you're domestic this will set up a great foundation for future 'family get-togethers' and if nothing else, will be an opportunity to practice getting fucked up on eggnog and covertly hooking up with everybody but your boyf/girlf (a time-honored holiday tradition).
Your neighbors' spouses will thank you later ;)
TIP NUMBER FOOOUUUURRR:
GIVE 'IT' UP
Why hold back on your primal urges this holiday season? Because you're not a slut? come on! If there is one sure-fire way to keep warm, it's fucking.
If you meet a nice guy/girl and have the opportunity to hang out with them one-on-one, winter is not the time to take it slow. Winter is the time to keep up that momentum and produce as much kinetic energy as possible so there is no question as to whether either of you is 'uncomfortable with the rapid development of the relationship.'
It's time to take into account mutually beneficial aspects of getting as much fucking and a large variety of it packed into this one season, because who knows what will happen this New Years? What if the Mayans were wrong?
"Oops, we meant 2010. Our bad." - Mayan Astrologists in the afterlife
So get to shagging.
'THE SOLO SURVIVAL METHOD'
Yeah, that is gross.
The idea is, kill something, chill inside of it. Problem here is, you're going to need a budget and a good understanding of the anatomy of whatever alien beast you plan on living in.
Lightsaber - $283.99
Parka - ~$150.00
Boots - $80.00
Sweet Goggles - $48.99
Or you could just get one of these (one size fits all).
TIP NUMBER SIX
BUY A PET ______ AND CUDDLE WITH IT
Tigers are nice and warm
Gorillas too, supposedly
Asians make good pets
This one comes with its own sense of irony, as well as winter gear (economical buy)
Or you could go with your standard bunny rabbit.
Though something this size might actually try to rape you at night, so I'd be careful.
How will you keep warm this winter?
What are you willing to do in order to 'nest properly?'
Are you in a loving relationship and have no need for this advice?
Then maybe you could give us some.