We went to see the film to get more information about 'the Twilight Saga' so as to bring our knowledge and understanding of the series to the table, and better cater to your Twilight fanatic needs! Romantic Rhetoric is here 4 u (kind of like Edward)!
When we first went into the theater and sat in our seats, and heard all of those mnstrmr females chirpin' n chatterin, our collective hopes got pretty low. But after the film started and Edward Cullen, the main vampie came on-screen, and the air got really thick with the smell of underage vaginal lubricant, we became very interested in the effect that those toothy devils have on tweens and middle-aged women who are constantly disappointed by the men in their lives.
We knew then, that this would be a gold mine for future ROMANTIC RHETORIC blogging material!
At first we asked ourselves "what is it about the vamps that gets these chickens so damn wet!?" but it soon became clear to us that the actual psychology behind what makes lonely women idolize danger and supernatural concepts of 'security' will always be something of a mystery, so we decided to focus on a topic that is easier to dissect and make into an interesting blog post. That topic is:
TEAM EDWARD VS. TEAM FUCKING JACOB
choose a "bleeping" side
choose a "bleeping" side
It's clear to us who the winner is. It only took the bros' third on-screen appearances for us to assess "Jarcob the Werewolf" and "Eduardo the Bloodlicker's" strengths and weaknesses/pros and cons/manos y manos, in this zany competition spawned from the fans' various religious preferences, and desperate need to justify their virginal vaginal vampiric desires. what was Rorhet's verdict?
TEAM J-DAWG 4LYFE!!!!
Even though we think it's obvious why, here is a list of our top three reason for siding with 'the pussy Indian bro who doesn't even sparkle or get the girl or anything (and has too much abs, duh!)'
REASON NUMBER ONE:
HE'S DATING TAYLOR SWIFT
For me, this is the only reason that matters. Jakebro is all over the most desired vagina on either side of the country, not to mention in that genre (ZING!).
I remember when TaySwift turned 18 and all of my friends were putting that p*ssy on a pedestal. Well, only the chillest bro ever would be able to 'be real' with the one broad all of America wishes they were anywhere on the radar of.
WHAT A CHILL BRO!
AND DON'T SAY SHIT ABOUT HOW HAWT K-STEW IS. Because she's obvs just a slut riding the fame wave WHILE TAYLOR IS REAL AS SHIT, etc. etc. etc. the defense fucking rests.
REASON NUMBER TWO:
HE'S NOT A ROBOTWAT FROM THE U.K.
Taylor Lautner is All-American. You're a fucking traitor to the United States of America if you side with that fucking scraggly-ass-redcoat.
Robert Pattinson should get excommunicated back to England for coming over here and stealing the collective heart of the American tween, then pretending to be 'all chillax' about it/starting a Twitter and monopolizing on that demographic too.
T.L. is down to earth, isn't froofy or over the top, just A REAL BRO, doing REAL BRO SHIT. And not acting like a fucking twat off-screen for 95% of the movie.
I mean let's face it y'all, Edward's a huge pussy. He almost committed suicide over some ho who was cheating on him anyway, then immediately got his ass kicked by Dakota Fanning. WHAT!?!!?
REASON NUMBER THREE:
JAKE CAN TURN INTO A FUCKING WOLF
Even if Eduardo could go "bat-shit crazy" like the 'O.V.' (original vampbro), Dracula, that still wouldn't be remotely as sweet as wolf-status J-DAWG in action.
BONUS REASON, AKA 'THE CLINCHER':
Jacob played the title role of Sharkboy in Robert Rodriguez's best film, "Shark Boy & Lava Girl"
Eat that C-Diggs!
So, in conclusion, Jacob wins, paws down. You have anything to say besides "damn Buttercup, you've got one hell of a point," and you can suck my cock.
PREVIEW FOR TAYLOR LAUTNER'S NEXT STARRING ROLE/RORHET'S NEXT BIG POST after the jump
CHECK OUT THE 50-SECOND MARK!!!!! <3 <3 <3
NEXT TIME ON ROMANTIC RHETORIC: WHY EVERYONE SHOULD CELEBRATE VALENTINE'S DAY.