I am writing in the first person and sans sans sarcasm of a sort of realistic nature and with intent and manner re informing you that I have decided that if I do not 'get laid' (via vaginal intercourse with a genetically/genitally/gender-designated 'woman' who is not closely related to me [and is not dating/dated/kind of dating/dated any of 'my bros']) by midnight, New Years, I am going to commit suicide.
I understand that people 'take suicide seriously,' and that it's a 'turn off' with respect to sexual attraction/potential copulation, but these are the parameters for my decision, and I will not undo them. I am 'a man of my word,' and will soon be 'a dead man of my word,' via hanging/wrist-cutting/medically assisted euthanasia/trainsplatting/the method of my choice, if 'decided spontaneously,' unless I perform coitus with a girl within roughly a week.
I have given everyone 'a fair heads up' in order to allow for maximum response/ignoring on everyones' part. I will not 'feel bad' if no one attempts to 'save my life,' though I will 'hold to' the former half of my statement (the 'if I do get laid' part), and will not commit suicide before the age of fifty should 'the act' occur.
Today is JESUSBIRTH Eve and will most likely not allow for any sort of sexual encounter, so all attempts to seduce me, today specifically, are discouraged. I will be with my parents for the majority of the day, last-minute-shopping, bullshitting around the house, and arguing about 'how insignificant their religion is to my worldview' vs. '(something) (something) the Bible (something) Salvation (something, unsure)' or something that will piss me off enough to not want to have sex, I'm sure. JESUSBIRTHMASS will probably be more of the same, culminating in a 'JESUS IS GREAT dinner' somewhere the family 'preordained' but did not inform me of.
I may Tweet (word of the year bitchezZZ) the address of 'PAGAN HOLIDAY dinner,' while at 'KWANZAAAAAA dinner,' which could allow for a quick rendezvous, if you have transportation. It will most-likely be at my grandmother's house, maybe my aunt's. I can't be sure. They both live within a half-hour of Washington D.C. I'll keep a few condoms on me at all times, J.I.C.
The day after Christmas, I will be working at my job in College Park from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m., which is probably 'prime time' to 'save my life,' if you are at all interested in that venture. There are security cameras inside the facility, but I have found at least one blind spot that should be available, briefly, before the lunch rush (I work at a restaurant). I also work Monday, I think
After Monday, my movements will vary greatly and I cannot be sure where I will be from one moment to the next (predetermined movements from this distance are impossible, it seems). You can call me on my cellular phone if you have access to my Facebook account during this time.
My intention is to attend a New Years party on Sunday, prevent 'putting a damper' on the celebration by being 'the bro who died at our New Years party,' and then quietly go off to a secluded area and 'end it all,' as a poetic gesture/publicity stunt for this blog post.
I feel that this year has been a year of new awakenings/new levels of sadness and that the relative success of this blog is a testament to good things happening in places all around the world, but that does not keep the world from being cruel, or me wanting to say 'goodbye' to it, so I won't be seeing y'all anymore. Hope you enjoy the archives.
I will leave all other media, besides my Twitter, up as an internet memorial to myself, which seems 'mad sweet,' via the 'sweet ass' FB memorials for all my dead friends (R.I.P. bros/broadz). I will also open the privacy settings for my Facebook photographs up to the public too, I think, maybe. I feel unsure about that last statement.
May add to this post briefly, later, but besides that, I'M OUT.
L8R ASSHOLEZ, J/K
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