LAST HOURS OF LIFE

Feeling really nervous

These are my final hours of life before my life is over

It was a good run, I think

Did y'all enjoy one year of Buttercup McGillicuddy/Romantic Rhetoric?

I think I did

I will probably cry while I kill myself tonight

I slept through the time I was supposed to go on that date

And ended up not fucking anybody

So this looks like 'it's it'

POSTHUMOUS POSTING

Going on a date tomorrow

Chances 'looking good,' unsure

Seems neutral

Unsure if 'vortical' could be used abstractly to describe reality

Or not, or anything

My imagination feels like it's drowning or something

What if I panic at the last second and can't do it

Will anyone be surprised, relieved

I'm not going to kill myself

I will schedule the remaining line-up of 'upcoming posts'

To appear on January 3rd, 6th, 10th, and 15th

Happy New Year

IF BUTTERCUP McGILLICUDDY DOESN'T 'GET LAID' BY 11:59 P.M. DECEMBER 31ST, BUTTERCUP McGILLICUDDY IS GOING TO COMMIT SUICIDE

Hey Blogospheres,

I am writing in the first person and sans sans sarcasm of a sort of realistic nature and with intent and manner re informing you that I have decided that if I do not 'get laid' (via vaginal intercourse with a genetically/genitally/gender-designated 'woman' who is not closely related to me [and is not dating/dated/kind of dating/dated any of 'my bros']) by midnight, New Years, I am going to commit suicide.

I understand that people 'take suicide seriously,' and that it's a 'turn off' with respect to sexual attraction/potential copulation, but these are the parameters for my decision, and I will not undo them. I am 'a man of my word,' and will soon be 'a dead man of my word,' via hanging/wrist-cutting/medically assisted euthanasia/trainsplatting/the method of my choice, if 'decided spontaneously,' unless I perform coitus with a girl within roughly a week.

I have given everyone 'a fair heads up' in order to allow for maximum response/ignoring on everyones' part. I will not 'feel bad' if no one attempts to 'save my life,' though I will 'hold to' the former half of my statement (the 'if I do get laid' part), and will not commit suicide before the age of fifty should 'the act' occur.

Today is JESUSBIRTH Eve and will most likely not allow for any sort of sexual encounter, so all attempts to seduce me, today specifically, are discouraged. I will be with my parents for the majority of the day, last-minute-shopping, bullshitting around the house, and arguing about 'how insignificant their religion is to my worldview' vs. '(something) (something) the Bible (something) Salvation (something, unsure)' or something that will piss me off enough to not want to have sex, I'm sure. JESUSBIRTHMASS will probably be more of the same, culminating in a 'JESUS IS GREAT dinner' somewhere the family 'preordained' but did not inform me of.

I may Tweet (word of the year bitchezZZ) the address of 'PAGAN HOLIDAY dinner,' while at 'KWANZAAAAAA dinner,' which could allow for a quick rendezvous, if you have transportation. It will most-likely be at my grandmother's house, maybe my aunt's. I can't be sure. They both live within a half-hour of Washington D.C. I'll keep a few condoms on me at all times, J.I.C.

The day after Christmas, I will be working at my job in College Park from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m., which is probably 'prime time' to 'save my life,' if you are at all interested in that venture. There are security cameras inside the facility, but I have found at least one blind spot that should be available, briefly, before the lunch rush (I work at a restaurant). I also work Monday, I think

After Monday, my movements will vary greatly and I cannot be sure where I will be from one moment to the next (predetermined movements from this distance are impossible, it seems). You can call me on my cellular phone if you have access to my Facebook account during this time.

My intention is to attend a New Years party on Sunday, prevent 'putting a damper' on the celebration by being 'the bro who died at our New Years party,' and then quietly go off to a secluded area and 'end it all,' as a poetic gesture/publicity stunt for this blog post.

I feel that this year has been a year of new awakenings/new levels of sadness and that the relative success of this blog is a testament to good things happening in places all around the world, but that does not keep the world from being cruel, or me wanting to say 'goodbye' to it, so I won't be seeing y'all anymore. Hope you enjoy the archives.

I will leave all other media, besides my Twitter, up as an internet memorial to myself, which seems 'mad sweet,' via the 'sweet ass' FB memorials for all my dead friends (R.I.P. bros/broadz). I will also open the privacy settings for my Facebook photographs up to the public too, I think, maybe. I feel unsure about that last statement.

May add to this post briefly, later, but besides that, I'M OUT.

L8R ASSHOLEZ, J/K


BUTTERCUP McGILLICUDDY

ROMANTIC RHETORIC'S TOP TWENTY-FIVE ALBUMS OF 2009 BASED ON 'LEVELS OF ENJOYABILITY*'

'Comprehensive analysis' of the top five located 'after da jump.'

25// Weezer — Raditude

24// Say Anything — Say Anything

23// The xx — xx

22// Monsters of Folk — Monsters of Folk

21// Lil Wayne — Rebirth

20// Wavves — Wavvves

19// Dan Deacon — Bromst

18// Fuck Buttons — Tarot Sport

17// Karen O and the Kids — Where the Wild Things Are (OST)

16// Wilco — Wilco (The Album)

15// Peter Bjorn and John — Living Thing

14// The Nudes — Indian Graveyard

13// Raekwon — Only Built for Cuban Links, Pt. 2

12// Washed Out — Life of Leisure

11// Phoenix — Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

*'levels of enjoyability' based on the equation e=u(q/r)+d, whereas 'u' is the amount of 'euphoria' felt while listening on a 0-9 scale, 'q' is the frequency of times the album was listened to, 'r' is the amount of time passed since the album was released/leaked, and 'd' is the frequency with which i danced to the music while listening to it.

LET'S TALK ABOUT: 'OUR FEELINGS' :|

Do any of y'all remember yall's childhoods? Back when everything was 'simpler' and you felt like 'a fucking idiot' 88% of the time?

My therapist told me that it is important to remember those times. It's important to be 'aware of one's emotions' and have a li'l fun every now and then instead of being 'an uptight asshole' all of the time.

Watch this video, it will remind you of 'better dayz.'

Not sure if I agree with my therapist, or if my personal philosophy about life aligns with 'being in touch' with anything besides relevant media coverage and music that's 'fucking sick.' Not really sure what I liked as a child/how I felt about other people.

If I recall correctly, I was 'completely dependent'/obsessed with performing acts of self-validation and wanting to be the 'center' of what everyone was looking at.

I think the reason why I am so detached and passive-aggressive now is because I never 'succeeded' at maintaining peoples' interest in my personal brand.

Seems like when I was younger/more 'in-touch' with my emotions, I acted like a li'l bitch.

Now, for the most part, I try to avoid putting my 'emos' on display when in the company of other humans, and just 'connect on an intellectual level.' Seems like displaying 'insecuritie' as an adult is strictly for the gays and people who are addicted to uppers.

When I do have 'emotional outbursts' or feel like 'getting vulns' I keep it inside and then let is explode forth in a single, non-embarrassing moment of isolated frustration and weakness.

Not like the Great Dane Cooks lame-ass 'comedic scenario,' but similar.

I honestly think my inability to 'connect with other human beings' on an emotional level is preventing 'my happiness.'

I am 'interested' in and 'have feelings for' a li'l broad who is keut and non-threatening, but I can't 'open up' to her because it seems beneath me or something, like there is 0nly 0ne pers0n who could understand my feelings and I can't even open up to that 0ne pers0n.

Sup with 'hipsters' and being 'detached li'l humans?' Is there something wrong with emotionz? Is there something 'evil' about them?

Seems like this blog post is 'fucking weak' because I'm getting vulns with y'all re 'my feelins.'

What do y'all think? Is it better to go through life 'not giving a shit,' or should I become a more 'emotionally stimulated/driven' person?

Should I 'scrap' this post and stop being 'a li'l pussie?'

'Where is my childhood?' — The Late Michael Jackson Fives

REVIEW: THE NUDES — INDIAN GRAVEYARD E.P.

After the iconographical C-R-L-Sbro ushered in the 'post-modern semi-post ironic era' of media coverage with his infamous blog, Hipsters Running Off, sardonic art projects have been appearing on all edges of the internets, offering the self-aware and self-obsessive meme-addicted an almost endless stream of 'ironically good' works of artisticness.

The latest project, which arose from the post-bloghaus era (sometime during the summer of this year) is The Nüdities, an art/sound/comedy/pop-culture commentary project by Kyle and Erin or Keeez and Eeez of 'Steeez,' an online pop-culture zine/blog dedicated to coverage of a highly subjective nature, which they describe using this blurb on their blog:

I think Steeez can be summed up by the contextual ads that Google slips into our site:

That's us. 

Today The Nudites released their breakout extended-play mp3 project entitled 'Indian Graveyard E.P.', and much to this author's surprise (not really) it is 'pretty fucking' fun to listen to in the depths of one's existential desolation. So, as a gift to the blogging community, I have decided to compile the entirety(???) of the Nude's audio-visual oeuvre for your viewing and listening disdain.

If it's TL;DR, then eff you or something.

The vids can be found 'after jumping.'

DL the 'album' here for FREE.

FUCK YEAH, THE NUDES!
The N00ds on Tumblog
The Nudes on Muxtapes
The Nudies on F.B.
Los Newds on 'Tweet Tweet'

WHAT DO I GET THE PERSON I LIKE 'A LOT A LOT' FOR THIS (POTENTIALLY NON-EXISTENT [VIA HAVING NO EXPENDABLE INCOME]) 'HOLIDAY SEASON?'

I am a bro who has 'fallen on hard times'

'This holiday season' won't be very merry

But I will 'get by'

And find a way to 'spread the cheer'

And give 'hope' to 'the hopeless'

By making a minimal charitable contribution to non-profit Santa costume bros at my local supermarket

And by mindlessly 'spendthrifting' and 'binge-purchasing' 'meaningless shit' for my family and 'loved ones' despite my meager budget

But I am also a lover in another sense

I penetrate/am penetrated by the genitals of another person 'regularly'

A person with expectations and desires and a superficial, consumerist mindset surrounding the nature of our relationship

And who draws unreasonable correlations between how much money I am willing to spend on him/her and how much I like him/her, because we get 'so vulns' with each other 'regularly'

And supposedly 'lovers' are expected to try and do 'the best they can' for their mate/fuckbuddy/chill-ass-bro/bitch that they like 'a lot a lot'

In order to maintain a healthy relationship

Or initiate a healthier relationship (via couples' counseling)

Or ease the pain of ending an unhealthy relationship at a potentially traumatic point in the year

What should I get my 'significant other' for Jesus-mass/Rihannukkah/Kwanamadan/post-Arbor Day Arbor Day/the pagan solstice celebration?

Should I make him/her something nice that appeals to his/her interests?

Should I make him/her a 'sorry I'm so effing poor' card?

Should I cash the bonds my grandparents gave me and get him/her something that's 'unreasonably pricey' to impress him/her and force him/her to stay with me despite this 'fucking recession'/my recent nervous breakdown/his/her recent infidelity shenanigans?

Should I buy him/her a li'l pet rabbit?

Seriously stressed-out re 'how to most effectively convey my feelings/lurve&affection/appreciation for having a relatively sane person who will have sex with me "regularly"'

What do yall think I should do?

" 'MISOGENY'" AND WHY IT'S GOOD FOR THE UNIVERSE

First, check out is sweet youtube I found today!!!!

HAHAHA, okay, now I have something 'imporatnt ' to say that I think everyone secretly knows, but doesn't say 'out loud' because they are pussies, generally, and 'afraid' to say this:

Here is how the world works, people:

GOD
ANGELS
MEN
WOMEN
DOGS & CATS
OTHER ANIMALS
SATAN

God createed Man in 'His OWN IMAGE', and the women fucked that up by eating that apple, you know?

But like, firest God took man's rib, and like, made women out of it and 'thats why' women aren't as strong as men and stuff.

This guy is right! Except i would use this video and say that's why they SHOULD be at bars! (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) Speaking of that, Whose down for happy hour tomorrow? call me! @ 240-338 -6835 or text me if you have verizon

Anyway,I have talked to some other women who are " femenists" and they think that women are as strong as men and can do stuff that men can do, but they are wrong.

So look, if wiomen were as strong at men, who would raise the babies? Who would do it? I wouldn't do it. babies are dirty and throw up and poop and women like that. But whem men go out and wokr hard and do strong, MEN THINGS, that's good for the economy.

I'm pretty durnk but i' think I"m right about this, right? I think so.

So in conclusion I think that women are good, but that men are better because God said so in HIS word. If Jesus said it, I believe him.

That's all. PEACE OUT

P.S. if woemn were in charge, who would win the wars? Seriously you guys. Women would just pull Obama bin Laden's weeve out or something instead of blowing him up. Seriously

HEY! FIRST PERSON TO COMMENT OM NY BLOG GETS A COOKIE!!!! HAHA!

BONUS SPORTS COVERAGE VID!!!!!!!!!

GO LAKERS!!!

WHAT PREVIOUSLY SUCCESSFUL WOMEN IN 'THE PUBLIC EYE' WILL 'BEBE ZEVA' BE 'MOST-COMPARED-TO' OVER THE NEXT 1000+ YEARS?

Hey, have y'all ever heard of a li'l broad named BEBE ZEVA (bee-bee zay-vuh)??? She is the prodigy love child of famous blogger, Carlos Perez and an astrophysicist babe who was supposedly born on Venus or something! Whoa!

If you haven't heard her name, you've certainly seen pictures of her somewhere on the internet, getting into all the li'l zany shenanigans that tweens get themselves into.

She's an instant hit! Bebe Zeva is clearly the next big internet starlet! What we here @romrhet plan to assess/address/predict is what sort of career path this little darling will take between 'the projected peak of her indie "credibility"/widespread accessibility' next year, at age 17, and her inevitable nervous breakdown/failed drug rehabilitation/attempted murder at the hand of her rockstar boyfriend some time in the next 15~100 years.

Buttercup has systematically compiled an extensive list of TOTEZ MNSTRM female celebrities who have 'found success' (via early exposure to 'the public eye'/being zany & adorable) in the past millennium or two, and what they're 'career arcs' have 'in common' with the potential that this beautiful 'micraltceleb' exhibits.

ZANY COMPARISON TIME!

Jane Goodall
('passionate project' arc)

Much like Goodall's obsession/attachment to chimps and her desire to learn more about humanity by observation and interaction with creatures so similar and yet so different from ourselves, Bebe's ongoing fascination with hipster culture could one day break new ground in the field of anthropology, should she be given the proper resources to 'observe the creatures in their natural habitat.'

Audrey Hepburn
('ideal' arc)

Hepburn's nearly concrete status as the world's most beloved starlet and the unfathomable influence she had on the world through her humanitarian efforts could be, if only by a small margin, vastly overshadowed by the good Bebe could do, given a similar opportunity to win the hearts of the masses and address the issues of entry-level fashion disaster, unchecked broing-out, and inexcusably terrible DJ booking.

Shirley Temple
('memorably tragic' arc)

Fortunately for Bebe, she wasn't exposed to 'the scene' too early, or her unusually mature vision would have out-lasted her novelty, much like Shirley Temple who, despite winning the hearts of millions as an adorable, tap-dancing darling, later joined the G.O.P. and was appointed by George H. W. Bush as America's Ambassador to the Democratic Republic of Souls Sold for Insane Amounts of Money.

Mary, mom of God
('lasting influence' arc)

Much like Mary, Bebe has been able to retain some inkling of innocence despite these soiled, degenerate times. Also like Mary, it is God's divine plan and purpose that will, through Bebe, bring about the coming of a new age [via the reestablishment of alt culture after the apocalypse of 2012]. Also like Mary, Bebe's Jewish.

Dakota Fanning
('FAIL' arc)

Dakota Fanning, despite her fame, fortune, and her current place in the American Library of the Collective Pop Culture Sub-Conscious, is one-trait-shy of having the potential for greatness and long-term memorability that Bebe Zeva has in spates: 'IT'. Whereas Dakota, in her awkward transition period between pre-teen cute and questionably attractive, is now confined to the world of B-Movies and bit roles involving screaming and staring intensely, Bebe can stand and do nothing as the lead in a James Cameron effects thriller and nonchalantly turn down her 'Best Leading Actress in a Motion Picture' Oscar nomination without batting an eyelash.

Maria Shriver
('meh'/'whatever' arc)

Maria Shriver had a successful carrier in the news media, before hanging it all up to raise the children of a caricature of a caricature of a caricature of the ideal male specimen, and she did it all with nothing but 'Kennedy' name-cred. If Bebe follows this arc, she'll do it with actual talent and a no-B.S. attitude, meaning she won't compromise with men, ever, especially not politically.

Emily Dickinson/Jane Austen/Sylvia Plath
('potentially insane/lonely/pretty "effing" morbid, posthumously successful' arc)

Bebe is a better writer than all these bitches combined.

Paris Hilton
('slantface' arc)

Miley Cyrus
('forgetfully tragic' arc)

Miley Cyrus committed internet suicide and is covertly a huge slut. Bebe will not and is not. Case closed.

Bebe Zeva
('???' arc)

Bebe Zeva is 16 years old and lives in Las Vegas, Nevada. She won't be venturing into the world of adolescent degeneracy for a year-and-a-half, but you can check up on her 'brogress' on her Tumblr, Myspace, Twitter, Facebook, and during her infrequent but substantial appearances on Hipster Runoff.

'Sweet "effing" interview' after the jump, for all you 'intellectuals.'