Bros. Folks. Dudes. I think I'm going to cry. I think, I think I'm gonna need some time here. Some 'space' maybe. I think it's time for a hug-out. A serious, motherfucking, hug-out. I mean, I have to 'share something' with you, folks. This is going to be A BROMENT. This is a major broment in history.
I just fucked Natalie Simmons.
I just 'pornstar fucked' a GODDESS.
My day could not get any sweeter. My night could not have gone better. There is a song by Queen written about me and my cock. Please allow me to tell you about it.
You folks remember. We were playing our like fourth or like maybe twelfth game of pong. Don't know. Things were getting fuzzy. Jasmine Winslow and her posse rolled in. Natalie was among them. I have had a crush on her for like five years maybe. Since I was a freshman. I don't know. She graduated last year. Why was she there? I feel like I asked her this multiple times.
She said she was 'in town' or 'visiting her lil sisters' or something at Kappa Kappa G. I don't know. Seemed sweet. I kicked Roarke off of my pong team and she started playing with me. Somebody put on Journey. Damn. She can't sing. She is still hot as fuck though. Damn. I banged her. Not 'over' that yet. We won like three pong games in a row. At first, each shot she made, she would high five me. Eventually she started hugging me. Then during a game-point where both teams had one cup left, shit got really serious. I landed my shot. I was stoked. And afraid. She wasn't going to make hers, I knew it. She did, and kissed me. She hugged and kissed me at the end of the game.
We played another game, and we didn't make any cups. Well, she did. Damn. Can't believe I admitted that. I take it back. We didn't make any cups. So we got drunk. Pretty fucking drunk. Damn. My hangover just kicked it. What a bitch. Fuck. So we were like 'brown out' at that point. Next thing I know, or remember or something, we were making out. On the floor. She's an okay kisser. We were making out and her shirts coming off. Everybody's there. I'm getting high fives left and right. I'm feeling like a champ. And like an asshole. Natalie Simmons is a classy broad. She graduated summa cum laude or something. I thought 'fuck' and 'what the fuck' a lot last night.
We go to my room. I kick Roarke out. Roarke's a bro. Roarke's a classy motherfucker. Roarke, gimme five, bro. So we're making out on my bed and shit. Fuck, shit, I was making out with Natalie Simmons on my bed. And this broad has got the nicest pair of tits. Natural. Quality. They were motorboatable. I admit, I motoboated a little. Seemed appropriate. I started taking off her clothes. There weren't much left. And you wouldn't believe. You wouldn't believe it. She started crying. I'm serious. She cried.
I asked her what was up and she said that she was living in the sorority house. Squatting. Because she lost her job. And she came out tonight with her lil sisters to like, relive college or something. 'The glory days'. She was pretty fucking torn up about something. I don't know. Maybe she was PMSing or something. I hope so. I fucked her raw. She got really emotional. Damn. She started saying things like how she always appreciated how nice I was to her and how she was grateful for my help in Ancient History class and shit. Real buzz-killing emo-ass cock-shriveling shit. She was thanking me and crying and hugging me and I kind of just wanted to do some lines or something. I asked her if she wanted to do some lines. She said 'yes' I think. Oh damn, Roarke, I owe you like, a hundred maybe. I used your stash. Damn. No, wait, don't you owe me like two-fifty? You owe me, well now you owe me one-fifty. So we did some lines and sobered up, kind of.
It was like 2:30 by now. We just kept talking about shit. Until like 5:00am we were talking about shit. About life and how the government fucks you over and how you can only depend on what makes you happy or some shit. She said she might come back to school and do grad school or something. Study finance so she'd have a 'head start' or something once the recession was over. I told her that seemed good. It seemed proactive and not emo, like she was making a good decision. Then she seemed like she was tired and tired of doing coke, so we spooned. We spooned for like an hour. Then my cokedick wore off. Damn. I got like an insane hard-on. Like the boner of the century. She started rubbing my shit, and goddamn, we were still naked and shit. I just put it in her, I just. Fuck, is it 1:30 already!? Goddamn, I'm late for Spanish. I can't fucking fail Spanish folks. I have to graduate this year. Later.
Yo, Roarke, could you spot me some adderall?
B. McGILLICUDDY
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