A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS

B. McGILLICUDDY

Woke up in an extremely uncomfortable position, shifted positions.
Added the last of the whole milk to a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
Felt 'fulfilled'.
Went back to sleep.
Had a dream that I thought was real but can't remember now.
Felt the urge to listen to 'Romantic' music.
Downloaded some Liszt in E flat Major from thepiratebay.
Found my mother's Harvard Collection of Thoreau, read 'Walking'.
Had coffee with my father.
Listened to a debate on Google Video between J.P. Moreland and Clancy Martin about whether or not God exists, while trying to go back to sleep.
Wrote a short story for my other blog.
Really wanted a cigarette, checked wallet, couldn't afford a pack of cigarettes.
Bummed a cigarette from my neighbor and talked about the military with him, found out he has scoliosis.
Speculated with said neighbor that the Marine Corps probably 'started' the idea of 'hazing in a life-threatening manner'.
Called the Prince George's County office of the public defender to find out how many days before my court date I would have to apply for an attorney to get one for free.
Tried to find some really sleazy porn to tug to.
Ended up jerking off to video of a couple fucking in missionary position.
Missed my ex-girlfriend.
Debated going outside, maybe even going to College Park.
Felt extremely anxious about the idea of leaving my house, wrapped myself in my blanket and went back to sleep.
Felt very hungry, looked in the refrigerator, no milk, no cereal.
Made some hot dogs and potato chips.
Checked Facebook.
Checked my e-mail.
Gchatted with La Frere.
Tried to imagine my novel in my head, from start to finish, and then as a book, and then other people reading it as a book, couldn't.
Sat in a corner for a while.
Stared at my fish.
Named my fish 'Brick Fire' and 'Reverse Sunflower', thought this was 'fucking awesome'.
Looked for 'good music' on the internet, found none.
Read hipsterrunoff.com, thought, 'Carles isn't real'.
Saw Carles online via Gmail, thought 'maybe Carles is real'.
Gchatted with Tao Lin about when he would update muumuuhouse.com's 'content' section.
Tried writing on www.rorhet.net, had nothing to say.
Thought about jerking off again, didn't.
Felt 'complete disparagement'.
Felt 'very sarcastic' about the idea of 'complete disparagement'.
Considered committing suicide using my utility knife, couldn't come up with a good enough header for my suicide note.
Listened to my brother play the drums for a while.
Talked with Gabrielle about nothing, basically (her name/my writing).
Talked with Maria about nothing, basically (what I 'really think' of 'people').
Talked with Caitlin about nothing, basically (old people on Facebook).
Wrote some stuff on twitter.
Thought about making some music, got very anxious about how 'shitty' the music would probably be, wrapped myself in my blanket and went to sleep.
Spent an unusually long time making a turkey/ham sandwich, without tomatoes.
Hurt my mouth eating the sandwich.
Had a 'sugar rush' and pretended to kick my sister, who was not amused.
Threatened to tickle my sister.
Asked my mother to get some milk. Asked my father to get some milk. Looked outside and saw thunder and lightning and water falling and forgot about milk.
Showed my mother a couple of shortcuts for Macintosh OSX Leopard, enthusiastically.
Watched my mother forget what she was doing and repeatedly zoom in and zoom out of an Excel spreadsheet using the shortcut I showed her.
Listened to my brother play the same four measures repeatedly on his upright bass.
Listened to my father make a series of puns and thought, 'I am going to be just like this man that I am listening to if I am not severely depressed once I reach my mid-forties', and cried.
Missed my ex-girlfriend, stopped crying.
Realized I should have called the place I applied to work before they closed.
Realized much more 'appropriate' names for my fish would be 'Ernie' and 'Bert' respectively.
Realized I am definitely lactose intolerant.
Read about how big of a douchebitch I am on my own blog, felt 'sarcastic' about it.
Decided to recount my entire day, at length, in an 'unsarcastic' manner that might convey how 'fucked' everything seems to me, generally.
Talked to Floyd in FBchat.

B. McGILLICUDDY