WHAT GUYS LIKE (!!!???)

B. McGILLICUDDY

I am not the person who should be writing this, because I don't hold strong opinions on anything except for my own personal preferences and couldn't give less of a shit about public opinion, so here's 'WHAT I LIKE (!!!???) ABOUT GIRLS and might renege on later' by Buttercup McGillicuddy Esq. III.

Let's start from the top:

HAIR
Now as much as girls' hair varies from curl-to-Q-to-k'nap and the ever-envied but non-too-desirable STRAIGHT [via 'i can't do anything with this shit, EVER'], dudes kinda just want something they can grab every now and then. So aesthetically, do wtf you want, but make it grabbable, and maybe run-your-fingers-throughable. That's fun. And speaking of fun, blondes don't necessarily have more of it, so highlight it if you want, but dye's an experiment and an experiment only in my book. Do not make dyed 'your look' plz.

FACE
Make-up may make you feel pretty, but pretty's not what you want a guy to think once he's STARTED talking to you. You want a connection, and make-up doesn't make that connection. If a guy wants to fuck/love/ruin everything that might have appeared sane about you, he'll forget that you have pimples, small eyelashes, and unusually pale cheeks/lips and do what's gotta be done to transport you from wherever you are to the love shack.

BUT since you're all about competition and are going to spend hours making your face up anyway, make it grabbable. Lip-grabble. the more plump your face looks, the more it looks like it can be suckled [try NOT to imagine cow teets here], and any guy who's decent at kissing is going to want his lips to linger where the supple parts are, I.E. lips/cheeks/nose/eyelids/forehead/chin(maybe, idk). How to properly accentuate that shit is what beauty school's for, 'cause fuck if I know.

TORSO
Okay. So La Frere hates sweaterthings. I like sweaterthings. Because they're grabbable, and easily-takeoffable. But AESTHETICALLY, you're going to want to do shit that 'looks sexy' and 'compliments ur b00bz' and 'brings out your eyes', so fer sher, do that, but take my over-sized shirt home for your walk of shame, because it 'accentuates your legs', which is my next point.

TENDERPARTS/LEGS/ANKLES
Mystery. Mystery is the key here. If I'm looking at the ground, which I often do in search of loose change, my dignity, and uneven walking surfaces, what happens is those legs become arrows. Arrows pointing in the Cardinal Direction 'North', or 'up', or 'toward Heaven'. Which has a lot of cultural significance, and since we don't walk around naked it has taken the place of the 'happy trail', so be aware ladies, be aware. The mystery at the end of the knickerbocked road is what bros're constantly fixated on, so either treat your legs like pathways to your treasure trove, or distract us dudes by making your ass grabbable. Because if your ass looks grabbable, we kind of forget what's between the legs and just want to [but typically don't act on] 'tap/grab that ass'.

Notice grabbing is one of my stronger (if not strongest) impulses. I think the more sexual grabbing that goes on, the less violent grabbing goes on, which is what you're here for, ladies, preventing war.

FEET
Feet are for walking, and short girls are hot, so wtf is up with heels? IDK. But if it makes you feel sexy/makes you think your ass/calves look good in them, then do what you do, but the moment you bitch to me about how your feet hurt [which I am aware is already no-no-numero uno neway] I'm going to tell you you're a dumbass for wearing them and that I would have preferred if you didn't click-clack everywhere anyway.

But as far as foot-maintenance sans shoes is concerned...I dunno. I don't have a foot fetish so I wouldn't know about feet. If they're crusty, gross, wash them. If you have a hammertoe, please cover it, it reminds me of my grandma a little. If you dig dudes with foot-fetishes, ask them what they like, because the furthest I'll go is to give you a foot massage, and maybe grab your ankle with my hands and your big toe with my lips. Grab grab grab. But now I think I'm done here.

OH! I forgot! Shaving! Shave. Shave pretty much everything. Don't know if I really have an opinion about this really, or if it's a cultural thing, but a clean shave = smooth sex, in my mind. Won't hold it against you if you don't want to tho.
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So what do you think? My standards too low? My fashion-sense non-existent? Are you ladies hungry for compliments and should I tell you how to get them? B/c if you want REAL FASHION ADVICE, then ask for it. I've got tons. We're barely skimming the surface here.

B. McGILLICUDDY