I get very exited about things. I get very excited about pizza. I get very excited about Salvador Dali. I get very excited about the prospect of spending all night dancing and drinking more alcohol than my body knows what to do with. But I have a problem called not caring about things generally, and I don't know what to do when my emotions start 'going bad'. I wish that I had a ritual for when I am down and don't feel like thinking anymore, but I hear it's the kind of thing you're supposed to 'wait out' or 'get over'.

At the moment I am caught in the dilemma of not really caring, generally, being down, and also being excited about stuff. This is very confusing.

I saw a film recently about sadomasochism and love. And I got to thinking, do I have a fetishes? And if I do, how will them affect stuff? How do I, specifically, as an 'individual', show women that I think they're 'hot'/bangable/have daddy issues I'm willing to subscribe to? And i realized, that I don't know or even have vague answers to any of these questions. So let's explore my 'psyche' a little together! (be careful, there are booby traps)

I touched lips/tongues with a person who has testicles once. I wondered at the time if I were a 'faggot' or 'liked dudes', but immediately realized that I wasn't/didn't, and probably wouldn't ever feel compelled to do anything like that again. It was kind of a lot like making out with a girl, except that the whole time I worried he might bite me in a way that was unpleasant/irreparable, and I couldn't imagine an accesible vagina getting wet in my vicinity any time in the near future. So I left.

I have also made passes at girls that wear glasses, and they seem to like having sex a lot. But how did I do that? Did I REALLY just put my lips on some broad's neck a little at some obscure point in a conversation and THAT made her take her clothes off? I don't understand. Help. I can't remember how I lost my virginity.

Maybe I'm just a romantic. Maybe when I am 'in my element' I blackout and female ejaculate magically rains down all over my new cell phone. Or maybe it's alcohol. I don't know how much sex I've had while 'wasted' vs. how much I've had 'sober', or how many times I've said no thank you either. But I do know that the prospect of sticking my wingwong in a gutlocker gets me kind of excited in my head, I just don't know how/what I do when given that opportunity to 'make it awkward'.

Every couple of hours in the day my face feels like I'm going to cry, but then I don't. And then I go on facebook and stalk my ex-girlfriend. And then I realize that she hasn't updated her facebook. And then I get bored. Then I say, I'm going to write a chapter in my novel. Then three hours later I realize that I'm watching a movie I don't know the plot for. I think this is called 'depression'. What's weird though about it is that, when you hear 'depression', you think of someone that is sad all of the time, and I'm not sad at all. My brain just doesn't get excited about things I kind of felt like I was forcing it to get excited about anyway before I was 'depressed'.

I'm also a 'nihilist', which doesn't 'help'. So when I lose interest in things



  1. hot damn. personal parallel lines on differing sides of a contextual mishy-masha.

  2. agreed with ptnv...

    this is how i felt the other day you got it down
    maybe you should just do something, or fucking go to california already.