1/02/2011

A CHRONOLOGY OF MY VAGUE RELATIONSHIP WITH GCHAT REALISM

AUGUST 2008
I start dating a girl on the pretense that I am an asshole and will treat her like shit mostly, not realizing genuine, positive feelings/intentions will arise. Vague interest in hipsters leads to eventual discovery of Tao Lin's blog through Hipster Runoff. Initial vague interest becomes disinterest until disinterest in Hipster Runoff's subject matter causes increased interest in things related to but not directly involved in Hipster Runoff "world"/content. Until now, did not think of Tao Lin as anything but "The AZN Poet".

SEPTEMBER 2008
I consume most if not all of Tao Lin's online presence via obsessive, non-stop google searching, social network searching, etc. The "myth" of Tao Lin seems unfathomably deep, like daily google searching his name forever and finding new information may be possible. I become jealous re seemingly "daunting" task of causing internet ubiquitousness, since I had already missed the bulk of Tao's initial fame-building "gimmicks"/antics and imitation would result in feelings of inadequacy and "lack of artistic integrity". Feel unsure why I want to "follow"/imitate Tao's success arc.

OCTOBER 2008
Severe depression leads to compulsive journal writing, in attempts to develop a sense of literary progression re myself/my career. Lack of a sense of direction and insecurities re imitating Tao result in disjointed, "unconsumable" prose style seen in early Romantic Rhetoric posts. Girlfriend breaks up with me "for no reason" ~28th.

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2009
Persistent feelings of crippling depression result in sleeping ~52 hours at a time. Begin online friendship with Romantic Rhetoric co-founder Andrew "Floyd" Capra.

JANUARY 2009
Start "Romantic Rhetoric" as a Hipster Runoff knock-off/genre unspecific blog with a focus on relationships/feelings of confusion in relationships/prose with relationship themes. "Find" self feeling extreme, negative feelings re early posts and want to write things that seemed more concrete, "consumable", not "dumb", "unique". Feel like I should just "keep going" after severe depression worsens and possibility of Romantic Rhetoric "going somewhere" seems to dwindle to extremely low levels.

MARCH 2009
Viral/spam/troll marketing results in a spike in hits on Romantic Rhetoric. Camille La Frere is brought on as a contributor. Semi-nude photographs of Camille "emerge" "everywhere". Blog hits "soar".

MAY 2009
Brandon Scott Gorrell inquires after Camille La Frere via Gmail chat.



JUNE 2009
Tao Lin initiates chat for the first and only time with "bro". I "grossly" overreact and "talk his ear off" in what seems to have ultimately caused negative, out-of-control feelings of incompatibility. I inform Tao that I will be at his birthday/Muumuu House release [thing] in New York in July with no concrete plan of how to get there/how to stop seeming extreme and out-of-control. I send Megan Boyle [and other people] emails asking if she wants to carpool to New York on July 2nd for Brandon Scott Gorrell's poetry book release party.

JULY 2009
Meet Megan Boyle. Drive with her to New York. Meet Brandon Scott Gorrell, then Tao Lin, then "everyone" in Muumuu House/the indie lit scene up to this point, except Ellen Kennedy. Have strong feelings that I am a part of it, am the "token black guy" of the indie lit scene. Proceed to try to get published by people in "the scene". Am rejected unanimously. Give up abruptly after perceiving my work as immature/untamed.

AUGUST 2009
Have sex for the first time since breaking up with girlfriend. Feelings of inadequacy seem to go away a little. Start planning to write "a fucking novel", and express this to Brandon Scott Gorrell and Megan Boyle.

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2009
Become a hardcore "party girl". Am intoxicated/on drugs every day of September and most of October. Decide I "need" to write a novel.

NOVEMBER 2009
Engage in National Novel Writing Month in what seems to be a cooperative endeavor with Megan Boyle. Megan Boyle's novel is about a post-apocalyptic universe and seems way better than mine. In late November, realize that Megan has written nothing and that I have done nothing but eat 2x bagels every day, smoke cigar tobacco improperly and write prose in a sterile, cat-infested Pikesville apartment living room for what now seems to be "no reason". Non-sarcastically feel that I'm channeling Dostoevsky. Severe depression begins to "take hold".

DECEMBER 2009
Speed-edit novel while contemplating suicide. Decide to release the novel and "kill myself" for publicity purposes. This seems to work briefly. People don't seem to take it "seriously" which seems good. I say that if I don't get laid by new years I will kill myself. I apply for a job as a cashier at a delicatessen.

JANUARY 2010
Tao emails me to see if I am "really dead" for his blog's newsfeed. I email him "yes, I am really dead". No newsfeed post is made re my death. The decision to kill myself seems unfulfilling/bleak. Thoughts that I will now never be taken seriously again "arise", then disappear in a fluid manner. I meet Lara McKaye at a birthday party and we make out all night. Find out she has already "made rounds" through "the scene" re mild sexual encounters. Think "she is a party girl". She refuses to have sex with me. I contemplate actual suicide ~5 sec daily.

FEBRUARY-JUNE 2010
Take advantage of "snowpocalypse" by writing a screenplay for a film called "Dead Midgets". Begin relationship with "party girl", Lara McKaye. Continue to work at deli. In early March, travel to Baltimore and spend the night at Megan Boyle's apartment with Zachary German. Make brief video about rap music.



JULY 2010
Travel with Megan Boyle to Pennsylvania to visit Lara McKaye, where she works at an overnight summer camp. Fireworks explode everywhere during the drive. Megan and I yell "whoa bro" multiple times. Lara and Megan both wear a black dress, with leather sandals, a metal necklace and a dark-colored cardigan and both recently cut their bangs. Have constant feelings of confusion as to "which is which" throughout the night. Megan almost falls in a river while trying to pee. I tuck her drunk ass in and say "happy independence day bro". She says "brooooo". I think something like "I am glad we are friends".

SEPTEMBER 2010
Travel with Lara McKaye to Baltimore for [unsure] reasons. Spend the night at Megan Boyle's apartment. Megan Boyle's cat scars my leg.

NOVEMBER 2010
Have feelings that death is overrated and come out of retirement. Medium-small wave of buzz is created. It becomes "clear" that Tao Lin is ignoring me/wants nothing to do with me. Perceivable "competitor" MDMA Films is founded by Tao Lin and Megan Boyle accompanied by substantial press.

DECEMBER 2010
Extreme attempt to rebrand occurs. Extensive aesthetic and thematic research is done. Feelings of impending relevance "resurge" as preparations to film "Dead Midgets" begin to seem "real"/imminent. Tao Lin and Megan Boyle are listed as "in a relationship" on Facebook. Sudden onset of seasonal depression causes current catatonic state/self-reflexive writing. Feelings that "I am different from how I perceive myself" cause extreme sarcastic thoughts of suicide. New sound project, Energy Dusk is "leaked". Purchase Richard Yates for $15.15 at Barnes & Nobel. Read it in <48hrs.

5 comments:

  1. cool man

    can relate to shit i guess

    ReplyDelete
  2. Awkward confession: I'm on my phone right now, and I can't find the "follow blog" button. By the time you bother to respond, this problem will have sorts itself out and I will feel like an ass.

    ReplyDelete
  3. bro. i like this. feel interested in your expanded timeline re: indie lit scene. seems like you are in a different position or something than when this was written. found this via google image search for ellen kennedy after potential ellen kennedy sighting. confirmed that it was not ellen kennedy.

    ReplyDelete
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