WHAT PREVIOUSLY SUCCESSFUL WOMEN IN 'THE PUBLIC EYE' WILL 'BEBE ZEVA' BE 'MOST-COMPARED-TO' OVER THE NEXT 1000+ YEARS?

Hey, have y'all ever heard of a li'l broad named BEBE ZEVA (bee-bee zay-vuh)??? She is the prodigy love child of famous blogger, Carlos Perez and an astrophysicist babe who was supposedly born on Venus or something! Whoa!

If you haven't heard her name, you've certainly seen pictures of her somewhere on the internet, getting into all the li'l zany shenanigans that tweens get themselves into.

She's an instant hit! Bebe Zeva is clearly the next big internet starlet! What we here @romrhet plan to assess/address/predict is what sort of career path this little darling will take between 'the projected peak of her indie "credibility"/widespread accessibility' next year, at age 17, and her inevitable nervous breakdown/failed drug rehabilitation/attempted murder at the hand of her rockstar boyfriend some time in the next 15~100 years.

Buttercup has systematically compiled an extensive list of TOTEZ MNSTRM female celebrities who have 'found success' (via early exposure to 'the public eye'/being zany & adorable) in the past millennium or two, and what they're 'career arcs' have 'in common' with the potential that this beautiful 'micraltceleb' exhibits.

ZANY COMPARISON TIME!

Jane Goodall
('passionate project' arc)

Much like Goodall's obsession/attachment to chimps and her desire to learn more about humanity by observation and interaction with creatures so similar and yet so different from ourselves, Bebe's ongoing fascination with hipster culture could one day break new ground in the field of anthropology, should she be given the proper resources to 'observe the creatures in their natural habitat.'

Audrey Hepburn
('ideal' arc)

Hepburn's nearly concrete status as the world's most beloved starlet and the unfathomable influence she had on the world through her humanitarian efforts could be, if only by a small margin, vastly overshadowed by the good Bebe could do, given a similar opportunity to win the hearts of the masses and address the issues of entry-level fashion disaster, unchecked broing-out, and inexcusably terrible DJ booking.

Shirley Temple
('memorably tragic' arc)

Fortunately for Bebe, she wasn't exposed to 'the scene' too early, or her unusually mature vision would have out-lasted her novelty, much like Shirley Temple who, despite winning the hearts of millions as an adorable, tap-dancing darling, later joined the G.O.P. and was appointed by George H. W. Bush as America's Ambassador to the Democratic Republic of Souls Sold for Insane Amounts of Money.

Mary, mom of God
('lasting influence' arc)

Much like Mary, Bebe has been able to retain some inkling of innocence despite these soiled, degenerate times. Also like Mary, it is God's divine plan and purpose that will, through Bebe, bring about the coming of a new age [via the reestablishment of alt culture after the apocalypse of 2012]. Also like Mary, Bebe's Jewish.

Dakota Fanning
('FAIL' arc)

Dakota Fanning, despite her fame, fortune, and her current place in the American Library of the Collective Pop Culture Sub-Conscious, is one-trait-shy of having the potential for greatness and long-term memorability that Bebe Zeva has in spates: 'IT'. Whereas Dakota, in her awkward transition period between pre-teen cute and questionably attractive, is now confined to the world of B-Movies and bit roles involving screaming and staring intensely, Bebe can stand and do nothing as the lead in a James Cameron effects thriller and nonchalantly turn down her 'Best Leading Actress in a Motion Picture' Oscar nomination without batting an eyelash.

Maria Shriver
('meh'/'whatever' arc)

Maria Shriver had a successful carrier in the news media, before hanging it all up to raise the children of a caricature of a caricature of a caricature of the ideal male specimen, and she did it all with nothing but 'Kennedy' name-cred. If Bebe follows this arc, she'll do it with actual talent and a no-B.S. attitude, meaning she won't compromise with men, ever, especially not politically.

Emily Dickinson/Jane Austen/Sylvia Plath
('potentially insane/lonely/pretty "effing" morbid, posthumously successful' arc)

Bebe is a better writer than all these bitches combined.

Paris Hilton
('slantface' arc)

Miley Cyrus
('forgetfully tragic' arc)

Miley Cyrus committed internet suicide and is covertly a huge slut. Bebe will not and is not. Case closed.

Bebe Zeva
('???' arc)

Bebe Zeva is 16 years old and lives in Las Vegas, Nevada. She won't be venturing into the world of adolescent degeneracy for a year-and-a-half, but you can check up on her 'brogress' on her Tumblr, Myspace, Twitter, Facebook, and during her infrequent but substantial appearances on Hipster Runoff.

'Sweet "effing" interview' after the jump, for all you 'intellectuals.'

WTF ARE 'LOVE SONGS?'

I have been experiencing 'really fucking bizarre' emotions recently. Someone told me that the best way to deal with feeling 'heavy' emotions is listening to euphoria-inducing music and taking massive amounts of drugs.

Not sure what makes a song 'good' when thinking about the notions of quality vs. context vs. artistic self-awareness, but I have found that 'love songs' seem to make me feel 'genuinely euphoric' regardless of the subject matter as long as the lyrics and melody trigger ideas/feelings I experientially/existentially 'relate' to.

What I find really fascinating is that all of these songs are supposedly about 'love', a concept no one has been able to succinctly explain to me in concrete terms. Because of this I am having trouble understanding what makes these songs 'love songs' as opposed to 'non-sense songs' or 'Jesus songs' or 'tribal chants' or something. Going to do a comparative/comprehensive/highly subjective assessment of what 'makes' songs 'love songs.'

Additionally, this blog post is a promotional review of "Jesus Christ." (the indie band)'s debut single 'Is This Really What You Want', 'a love song'.

CLICK THE 'PLAY' ICON TO HEAR THE SONG WHILE READING THE REVIEW

Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved
Not sure if this song is a 'love song' or a 'lust song'. It is sung from various perspectives, via first/second/third person, and doesn't really address any concrete ideas.

I think that Maroon 5 introduced me to the concept of love songs at some point during sophomore year of high school, and this song 'resonates' with me as the most basic form of 'love song', since it has the word 'love' in the title/chorus, and is about one person singing to/about another person they 'slept with'.

I think that the song's lyrics are placed somewhat arbitrarily throughout the song in order to fit the over-produced, heavily layered music beneath the singer's voice and to 'set the mood' or something. Unsure if this song really 'means anything' or just 'sounds sad and cathartic' and is about a girl.

The Beatles - Girl
This song seems more like a gimmick to me than the last one. When pop bands make 'ballads' it seems like what inevitably happens is that the song turns into a song about 'some anonymous ho' that the songwriter isn't over yet.

By doing this in the way that the Beatles did for this song, however, this might be the best-constructed generic love song ever written, via utilizing the word 'girl' for the chorus. It is beautiful in its simplicity and addresses all of the qualities that make for a tragedy-bound relationship with a girl who is 'out of your league', or just 'relatively cooler/more entitled/manipulative than you are'.

This is a 'love song' about 'pining'.

The Beach Boys - God Only Knows
Some bros speculate that the Beatles 'wish they wrote this song'. It is the quintessential delusional internal dialogue that I feel ultimately leads to a bro killing himself/going crazy because some broad feels 'cornered' and leaves the relaish because she 'isn't as in love with him as he is with her' and feels guilty or something.

Musically, this song is 'stunning' and I enjoy listening to the harmonies, tambourine, and other percussion instruments, including the piano and some guitar thumping that sounds good. This song conveys 'loveliness' or something while simultaneously seeming rhetorical and gimmicky, in that I feel singing this song to a woman could only elicit 'extreme emotions' because of how extreme the sentiment in the song is.

Unsure if I have a 'bias' against this song because of the 'God Only Knows...' line. When looking at it objectively the rhetorical use of 'God Only Knows...' still seems 'intense' but in a 'FGGTY' manner or something. Think The Beach Boys might be '4 FGGTZ ONLY'.

Animal Collective - My Girls
It has been almost a year since this song was 'hailed' as 'the best song on the best album of 2009'. Seems somewhat accurate in retrospect. I feel the most positive feelings listening to this song of any songs on this list, I think.

This song is about investing 'everything', via thoughts/efforts/money, into people who 'mean the world' to you. This song feels genuine to me, even if beneath all of this positive sentiment the singer might be 'delusional' or 'lying to himself'.

This song could be considered 'gimmicky' with respect to how avidly the 'ironic' crowd embraced it, since most 'hipsters' are not patriarchs/don't feel very passionate about anybody including their close friends, but it seems like the words in this song are coming from 'real, raw emotions' within the person who wrote them.

I think this song is primarily good because the people who made it 'love music' and were able to 'rip off' a good sample and put 'appropriately meaningful words' to it. Not sure what 'makes' it a love song, but it might be that there is a messianic renouncing of all materialism for 'family', which is a 'selfless ideal', like 'love'.

Joni Mitchell - All I Want
Feel like this song is a good example of what girls 'feel' like when 'in love' in the context of 'modern society'. This song seems 'really fucking tender' to me and like the woman singing it is very realistic about the expectations she has for her life/relationships.

Seems like this person just wants to connect to 'genuine people'. Maybe as many 'genuine people' as possible. Maybe this is an accurate assessment/assumption of the emotions 'every woman feels' in the context of a romantic relationship, and therefore the singer feels comfortable speaking from the perspective of 'woman' addressing 'man'.

This song seems 'extremely feminine'. It also 'effectively' addresses isolation and loneliness in the context of a relationship. Curious if this song is a 'love song' or a 'i want love' or 'i know intuitively what the fuck love is' song.

Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me
This song just seems 'fucking retarded' to me. Seems like I can 'relate' to these ideas, but like I associate them with how I thought in middle school/junior high. Not sure why Taylor Swift is still marketing to tweens now that she is a world-wide celebrity/worried she's still a 'virgin'.

Unlike the last song, this song seems shortsighted and delusional, similar to the comparison between the Beatles/Beach Boys. Seems like an attention-starved, socially retarded girl who has never been vaginally penetrated trying to convince a guy who has had a lot of sex that she can 'fix him' or something. Just seems retarded. Might take it off the list. Probably won't because it's bloggable and really catchy.

Beyonce feat. Jay-Z - Crazy In Love
This was the first 'Beyonce/Jay-Z' megameme I remember. Pretty sure this song 'started iTunes' or something. Also pretty sure the lyrics are 'the most vapid thing I have ever heard a woman say'. This song is about a Black woman who really likes to get fucked. This may not be classifiable as a 'love song' despite the word 'love' being in the title. Might just be about a woman who goes 'fucking retarded' when she has a cock inside her, and Beyonce is 'channeling'/embodying 'the pure euphoria of the female orgasm' or something.

If this song is 'a love song' it is strictly because of its pop culture value and due to the fact that Jay-Z and Beyonce have been 'together' ever since they decided to co-brand using this song/the neuly invented internet to 'change how the public views celebrity relationships'.

The fact that the artists who made this song are relevant again now, after six years seems perplexing to me. I feel like women who I consider 'nymphomaniacs' or who appear 'horny all of the time' relate with this song/Beyoncé very well. Not sure what that 'means' about love at all. Not sure if Beyonce is a strong, independent, Black woman or just really loves getting fucked/being the female version of a hustlah.

Daft Punk - Something About Us
I imagine this song as 'the original electro "love" song'. There isn't really much to say about it IMO besides that it has an awesome accompanying anime music video.

With regard to what it 'means' and what 'makes it a love song', the 'extremely french', seductive dialogue conveys 'sexual chemistry' and 'tenderness' that could be interpreted as 'love', but seems more like rhetoric used to solicit mindless sex or something, rather than 'a relationship' in which the two parties would actually do things besides have sex.

Unsure if this song has 'enough substance' to be reviewed further or if it is 'just a gimmicky love song' Daft Punk conveniently put in the middle of their album as 'filler' or something. Kind of feel like if some bro sang this to me I would sleep with him and not be surprised that he 'fucking bailed' in the morning, but might feel bad about being lied to/so easily seduced.

The Teenagers - Homecoming
Gorilla vs. Bear compared this band to "Jesus Christ." (the indie band), so it seems like this is an appropriate song to review. This song is about a bro and a broad who fucked. Not sure what else is going on here. Kind of feel like this could be the diametric opposite of "Jesus Christ." (the indie band)'s single, and is therefore 'worth including'.

"Jesus Christ."(the indie band) - Is This Really What You Want
Human relationships are complex and trying to 'put them in a box' like 'love' is not good way to convey what kind of synergy/dynamic/interactions people in 'romantic relationships' have. Regardless of this, it seems that every new idea has a preliminary point of reference or 'stepping stone' that allows a new form of 'understanding' to occur through meme-sharing. Seems like 'love' (the concept) 'had to come first' or the people on the internet would never realize that humans are 'seriously too fucking complicated to stereotype/rationalize/love'.

Seems like this song is 'innovative' for the reasons stated above. The idea of creating a soundscape that amalgamates sound clips relating to negative/neutral emotions that can be associated with 'breaking up' seems 'new' or 'original'. I genuinely enjoy listening to this song because I can relate to the content and find it 'meaningful'.

When two people form a relationship and can relate to each other in a 'meaningful' way, it feels good. When that kind of relationship ends, it hurts/sucks/is really fucking confusing. This song 'explores' the feelings of having 'loved' someone (in the conventional context of simplifying 'a meaningful relationship' as 'love'), and 'the existential limbo that occurs at the end of a relationship' (via not really 'loving'/feeling emotionally honest with your gf/bf anymore or something).

I think this song is a 'love song' mostly because I want to rationalize its existence in this blog post, but also because I think it relates to a series of emotions inside the context of the idea of 'love' that have only just now been touched on extensively/honestly. I think that 'love' is the same thing as 'honesty' or something.

This song is about being 'honest' and therefore 'loving' toward 'members of humanity' you are 'incompatible' with.