A CHRONOLOGY OF MY VAGUE RELATIONSHIP WITH GCHAT REALISM

AUGUST 2008
I start dating a girl on the pretense that I am an asshole and will treat her like shit mostly, not realizing genuine, positive feelings/intentions will arise. Vague interest in hipsters leads to eventual discovery of Tao Lin's blog through Hipster Runoff. Initial vague interest becomes disinterest until disinterest in Hipster Runoff's subject matter causes increased interest in things related to but not directly involved in Hipster Runoff "world"/content. Until now, did not think of Tao Lin as anything but "The AZN Poet".

SEPTEMBER 2008
I consume most if not all of Tao Lin's online presence via obsessive, non-stop google searching, social network searching, etc. The "myth" of Tao Lin seems unfathomably deep, like daily google searching his name forever and finding new information may be possible. I become jealous re seemingly "daunting" task of causing internet ubiquitousness, since I had already missed the bulk of Tao's initial fame-building "gimmicks"/antics and imitation would result in feelings of inadequacy and "lack of artistic integrity". Feel unsure why I want to "follow"/imitate Tao's success arc.

OCTOBER 2008
Severe depression leads to compulsive journal writing, in attempts to develop a sense of literary progression re myself/my career. Lack of a sense of direction and insecurities re imitating Tao result in disjointed, "unconsumable" prose style seen in early Romantic Rhetoric posts. Girlfriend breaks up with me "for no reason" ~28th.

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2009
Persistent feelings of crippling depression result in sleeping ~52 hours at a time. Begin online friendship with Romantic Rhetoric co-founder Andrew "Floyd" Capra.

JANUARY 2009
Start "Romantic Rhetoric" as a Hipster Runoff knock-off/genre unspecific blog with a focus on relationships/feelings of confusion in relationships/prose with relationship themes. "Find" self feeling extreme, negative feelings re early posts and want to write things that seemed more concrete, "consumable", not "dumb", "unique". Feel like I should just "keep going" after severe depression worsens and possibility of Romantic Rhetoric "going somewhere" seems to dwindle to extremely low levels.

MARCH 2009
Viral/spam/troll marketing results in a spike in hits on Romantic Rhetoric. Camille La Frere is brought on as a contributor. Semi-nude photographs of Camille "emerge" "everywhere". Blog hits "soar".

MAY 2009
Brandon Scott Gorrell inquires after Camille La Frere via Gmail chat.

JUNE 2009
Tao Lin initiates chat for the first and only time with "bro". I "grossly" overreact and "talk his ear off" in what seems to have ultimately caused negative, out-of-control feelings of incompatibility. I inform Tao that I will be at his birthday/Muumuu House release [thing] in New York in July with no concrete plan of how to get there/how to stop seeming extreme and out-of-control. I send Megan Boyle [and other people] emails asking if she wants to carpool to New York on July 2nd for Brandon Scott Gorrell's poetry book release party.

JULY 2009
Meet Megan Boyle. Drive with her to New York. Meet Brandon Scott Gorrell, then Tao Lin, then "everyone" in Muumuu House/the indie lit scene up to this point, except Ellen Kennedy. Have strong feelings that I am a part of it, am the "token black guy" of the indie lit scene. Proceed to try to get published by people in "the scene". Am rejected unanimously. Give up abruptly after perceiving my work as immature/untamed.

AUGUST 2009
Have sex for the first time since breaking up with girlfriend. Feelings of inadequacy seem to go away a little. Start planning to write "a fucking novel", and express this to Brandon Scott Gorrell and Megan Boyle.

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2009
Become a hardcore "party girl". Am intoxicated/on drugs every day of September and most of October. Decide I "need" to write a novel.

NOVEMBER 2009
Engage in National Novel Writing Month in what seems to be a cooperative endeavor with Megan Boyle. Megan Boyle's novel is about a post-apocalyptic universe and seems way better than mine. In late November, realize that Megan has written nothing and that I have done nothing but eat 2x bagels every day, smoke cigar tobacco improperly and write prose in a sterile, cat-infested Pikesville apartment living room for what now seems to be "no reason". Non-sarcastically feel that I'm channeling Dostoevsky. Severe depression begins to "take hold".

DECEMBER 2009
Speed-edit novel while contemplating suicide. Decide to release the novel and "kill myself" for publicity purposes. This seems to work briefly. People don't seem to take it "seriously" which seems good. I say that if I don't get laid by new years I will kill myself. I apply for a job as a cashier at a delicatessen.

JANUARY 2010
Tao emails me to see if I am "really dead" for his blog's newsfeed. I email him "yes, I am really dead". No newsfeed post is made re my death. The decision to kill myself seems unfulfilling/bleak. Thoughts that I will now never be taken seriously again "arise", then disappear in a fluid manner. I meet Lara McKaye at a birthday party and we make out all night. Find out she has already "made rounds" through "the scene" re mild sexual encounters. Think "she is a party girl". She refuses to have sex with me. I contemplate actual suicide ~5 sec daily.

FEBRUARY-JUNE 2010
Take advantage of "snowpocalypse" by writing a screenplay for a film called "Dead Midgets". Begin relationship with "party girl", Lara McKaye. Continue to work at deli. In early March, travel to Baltimore and spend the night at Megan Boyle's apartment with Zachary German. Make brief video about rap music.

JULY 2010
Travel with Megan Boyle to Pennsylvania to visit Lara McKaye, where she works at an overnight summer camp. Fireworks explode everywhere during the drive. Megan and I yell "whoa bro" multiple times. Lara and Megan both wear a black dress, with leather sandals, a metal necklace and a dark-colored cardigan and both recently cut their bangs. Have constant feelings of confusion as to "which is which" throughout the night. Megan almost falls in a river while trying to pee. I tuck her drunk ass in and say "happy independence day bro". She says "brooooo". I think something like "I am glad we are friends".

SEPTEMBER 2010
Travel with Lara McKaye to Baltimore for [unsure] reasons. Spend the night at Megan Boyle's apartment. Megan Boyle's cat scars my leg.

NOVEMBER 2010
Have feelings that death is overrated and come out of retirement. Medium-small wave of buzz is created. It becomes "clear" that Tao Lin is ignoring me/wants nothing to do with me. Perceivable "competitor" MDMA Films is founded by Tao Lin and Megan Boyle accompanied by substantial press.

DECEMBER 2010
Extreme attempt to rebrand occurs. Extensive aesthetic and thematic research is done. Feelings of impending relevance "resurge" as preparations to film "Dead Midgets" begin to seem "real"/imminent. Tao Lin and Megan Boyle are listed as "in a relationship" on Facebook. Sudden onset of seasonal depression causes current catatonic state/self-reflexive writing. Feelings that "I am different from how I perceive myself" cause extreme sarcastic thoughts of suicide. New sound project, Energy Dusk is "leaked". Purchase Richard Yates for $15.15 at Barnes & Nobel. Read it in <48hrs.

Baltimore Party Photographer Dies at Age 33

[All photos credited to Erica Hinson Denny]

One week ago Erica Hinson Denny posted a photograph on her Flickr page entitled “Katie, Dooley.2.” It is an image of a woman staring into the camera lens, holding a clay puppet on a wooden stick. That description seems pretty lame. Seems mediocre. But, maybe, because Erica Hinson Denny took and posted this photograph, it would be considered an ideal image of a woman staring, holding a puppet on a stick.

The first time I saw Erica’s photography I was doing research in an attempt to perfect visual, hyper-stylized film aesthetics and found a series of party photographs on D.C.’s hipster blog/company website, Brightest Young Things. I immediately googled the credited photographer, Artfisch. Within fifteen minutes I found the Flickr and Facebook page of Erica Hinson Denny.

I spent Thanksgiving in the mountains of western Maryland. I didn’t have internet access on Wednesday or Thursday. On Friday, I opened my browser and logged on to Facebook at around 3pm. The first “Top News” Newsfeed post I saw contained “RIP” attached to a photograph with Artfisch’s “signature” multiple exposure photography style. I felt something like a sheet of fire sweep across my head. I began to sweat. The nerve endings on my skin began to sting. I felt involuntary muscle contractions. I clicked a link to Erica’s Facebook page and found her wall filled with lengthy posts that commemorated her personality, amicability, how people enjoyed spending time with her and how her work affected them.

I scrolled down and clicked “other posts” 5~7x. It seemed like a micro-famous person’s birthday. Every post had been submitted in the past three days. Most of them said “rest in peace.”

I stared at the “Write something” prompt on Erica’s facebook wall for roughly six minutes. I couldn’t think of one word that seemed adequate to begin a sentence that could convey how her work affected me.

Of the many party and fashion photographers I am familiar with, Artfisch was my favorite. Her hyper-stylized long and multiple exposure club photography is different from all others I have seen. For years it affected a vague feeling in me to want to be her, and a distinct feeling to want to be her friend, to see her at work and to be the subject of at least one of her photographs.

That isn’t possible anymore.

Today I felt something similar to how it felt to first see Dash Snow’s photography posthumously. But unlike Dash, who died of a drug overdose, and whose art was famous in his extensive New York City milieu and because of his wealthy family background, Artfisch died of a sudden asthma attack [a disorder she had been affected by all her life], was not famous outside of her few Baltimore, DC, and Pennsylvania cliques and was a wife and the mother of five children between ages fourteen and five, but her work was no less prolific, distinct or mesmerizing, to me.

In the underground art world authenticity and intent seems to be what garners intense admiration. Artfisch did not photoshop her images, a large number of them were simply photographs of herself after a new haircut, tattoo, or slight change due to age, but thousands of her images are on Flickr are of partygoers, of her children, of friends, food, fashion and artful dashes of cheerful macabre. Of DJs spinning, street artists working, people in costume and elaborate long-exposure light writing. She photographed because of an intense interest, motivation and fascination for engaging images.

I feel vague regret because I am now unable to be a part of Artfisch’s life outside of her having once accepted my friend request. I really like her work. I want people to be aware of this.

Erica's last Facebook update said "we are flowers of one garden."

A Gentleman’s Guide to Women’s Health — by Jimmy Chen

In observance of, and keeping with, the undue authority of this contributor’s position as a man, no additional research has been made in writing this, relying solely on personal observation, to further embrace the concession that much of what follows may be entirely wrong.

by Jimmy Chen of HTML Giant (Originally Published on Thought Catalog)

(Sources: mother [M], ex-partners [gf], female friends [F], television [TV], porn [P], public education [E], internet [I], and housemates [H].)

Menopause - A hormonal imbalance which occurs at ~50 -55 yrs., after ovulation stops. This is like PMS but it can last for a decade. A common symptom are “hot flashes,” generally caused or accompanied by irritation at one’s obtuse husband. [Source(s): M, TV]

PMS – Premenstrual Syndrome, per its prefix, happens before menstruation and lasts for about 5-7 days, though the start and end times are often difficult to distinguish from a woman’s overall disposition; this is a time of emotional instability and severe irritability. The worst thing a man can do is attribute a woman’s mood to PMS, even though she “objectively” has PMS. The best thing for a man to do is say and look “sorry” all the time during this time, and for good measure, even when it’s not PMS. [Source(s): M, gf, F, H]

Menstruation - This is when the “stuff” that was made for the baby is released from the women, unless she’s pregnant, which is why when a woman misses her period she might be pregnant, because the body keeps that “stuff” for the baby. The “stuff” is mostly blood, but also contains chunks of baby stuff. It is possible to make love to a menstruating woman, but you will get “stuff” on your male amorous vector. Menstruation lasts for 5-7 days (i.e. a period of time), and while theoretically subsequent to PMS, seems to coincide with it. [Source(s): M, gf, E]

Ovulation – Now it’s getting complicated. This is when a woman’s egg travels from the ovaries into the cervix. This is the start of her calendar—not lunar, perhaps lunatic. An easy way to think of it is: a) if the egg is not fertilized, she b) gets pissed off about it, then c) menstruates. She is menstruating or PMS-ing for a week and a half, and there’s another week where something else weird is going on, so there’s only ~1.5 week(s) per month when she can get pregnant. To take advantage of this and have sex when she can’t get pregnant is called the “rhythm method,” which sounds jazz related, but isn’t, unless one employs the Rusty Trombone. [Source(s): gf, F, H, E]

Weight – Most women struggle with either the perception of their weight, or their actual weight. “Chubby girls” or “fat chicks,” at the bottom of the female paradigm, likely become the target of explicit cruelty, or worse, passive-aggressive sympathy. This is why some girls develop anorexia and bulimia, or just get fat. Female self- and/or distorted-image issues are more about other women than about men. A girl who has normal weight, and isn’t a bitch about it, is considered relatively well-adjusted. [Source(s): M, gf, F, H]

Vulva – This may be the labia, I don’t know. [Source: none]

Labia – This may be the vulva, I don’t know. [Source: none]

Vagina – This either refers to the “hole,” or the canal. I think the word is used generically. [Source(s): M (birth only), gf, E]

Clitoris – This is congruent to the head of the penis. In fact, as embryos, they’re the same thing. This is not to be confused with the G-spot, which is located on the underside of the pubic bone, estimated (c/o “second base” or masturbation) at the end of a curled index finger. The clitoris is a pearl-like knobby thing at the top of the vulva or labia (whatever those are). Clits can be (c/o God’s design) inadvertently stimulated during “missionary” coitus; intentionally with fingers; or during cunnilingus, of which they’re the foci. [Source(s): gf, P, E]

Orgasm - A modern paradox and/or quandary is the female orgasm. There are many theories on what to attribute a female orgasm to, including, but not limited to: the G-spot, anal sex, clitoral stimulation, actual “love,” penile girth and/or length, duration of foreplay and/or penetration, etc. What further mystifies the female orgasm is the concession by women that they “fake it,” juxtaposed with the adamant claims from men regarding the verity of the orgasms they supposedly incite. [Source(s): gf, P, F]

Creampie - After a man ejaculates into a woman, there is a 2-3 minute period before her vagina walls contract back into a non-aroused state that she can force the ejaculate out, using the same “pushing” diaphragm movements as going to the bathroom. The resultant excretion (90% ejaculate, 10% intrinsic fluid), when aestheticized for porn, is known as a “creampie”; when it leaks out of the woman upon standing, it is just life. [Source(s): P, gf]

Pubis – The is either the pubic bone, or the pubic hair. The pubic bone is part of her skeleton, which this contributor discourages the cognizance of during coitus. Pubic hair, when not perennially trimmed, becomes a “wild bush” (c. 1960 – 1970s); when trimmed (c. 1980s – present), it can be stylized many ways to be indicative of one’s personality, similar to the moustache. [Source(s): misc.]

Sponge – This is like a “plug” that, well, plugs up the cervix, preventing the semen from entering the cervix, where the egg is. [Source(s): E, gf, I]

Female condom – Somewhat absurd, a female condom is basically a plastic bag that is placed inside the vagina to catch the semen. Think of it as a very loose condom that women who don’t have faith in men wear. [Source(s): E, I]

Douche – As a noun, it is a contraption similar to a turkey baster. As a verb, it is what a woman does with said baster, namely, squirt saline water in her vagina to clean it. Ones that come with a bag are considered “douchebags,” a word which has acquired etymological and cultural significance for identifying men who overestimate their courting prospects, the allusion being that they are vagina refuse material. [Source(s): E, I, F]

Asshole – While men also have assholes, women’s assholes are an anthropologically unique place, given that their evolution into an erogenous zone has no evolutionary implications (i.e. conceiving offspring). Many, if not most, men fetishize a woman’s asshole as some “forbidden tight Freudian hole,” into which they brave their glistening members. In porn, women who engage in anal sex get enemas before their performance, maintaining the illusion/delusion that fecal matter is somehow unrelated to anal sex. This is called dreaming. [Source(s): P]

Love – This is believed, by those once afflicted by it, to be a rumor. [Source(s): gf, M]

DUDE CHILL

What 'A Relationship' is 'Actually'

‘Dumb animals’ tend 2 be social beings, due to their inability 2 function solitarily in a context not directly addressing reproductive ability/speed/efficiency. Humans happen to fall in2 this ‘dumb animal’ category [via humanity’s uncontrollable self-destructive behavior], and individually seem 2 decide that ‘co-dependence’, despite the conflicting desire to ‘be alone sometimes’, is a waayyy better way to ensure survival in the long-term.

‘Stupid animals’, like humans, have evolutionarily developed sensory, emotional, and chemical reactions that ensure this ‘sense of co-dependence’ interrupts daily life-tasks/goals enough and to a point where relationships [as we understand them] are sought after and tirelessly pursued...

Let’s take a ‘walkthrough’ around the various ‘staged of life’ and see how these tendencies manifest, primarily in a romantic sense:



BIRTH;

Lil human babies are ‘super co-dependent’, in that they are incapable of performing any ‘survive in the wild’-type practical tasks, and there singular mammalian instinct is to grab the closest pair of titties and suckle suckle on them.

Human mothers are all like ‘oh my little baby, oh my little baby’ which exposes the child to early ideas of ‘possession’, ‘property’, and negative reinforcement of the child’s actual importance in the universe, which is close to if not equal to zero.

Because babies are cute, they get picked up and patted and touched on their cute lil faces all the time, creating an ‘interactive comfort zone’ that dictates future physical boundaries among other things. If a baby feels happy/comforted by feelings of being touched, the tendency that the baby will be ‘relationship normative’ is far higher



BABIEHOOD TO PUBERTY

Children, being completely incapable [at this growth development stage] of deciphering their own thought processes, typically ask common-sense based questions that build ‘world-view-constructing’ reasoning capabilities.

‘ In light of’ these basic rhetorical exercises, children usually learn to play in groups and naturally begin forming lil oligarchies and decide who their favorite person/people are long before politics, warfare, or

Children are ‘all about’ hugging and holding hands and touching each other casually and in an ‘innocent’ manner that seems [appropriately] psychotic: craving interaction without any notion of what interaction ‘means’ or why they want to be held. It just makes them feel better/calm to be touching people.

Is this a basic ‘problem’ among humans that emotional stability cannot be established w/o excessive touching/feeling/kissing?

Do humans need to



ADOLESCENCE

Teenagers and their crazie hormone spikes cause a sudden influx of ‘I just wanna fondle u a lil’ feelings and feelings of ‘wtf is that bitch doing with my man’ and ‘let’s cum 2gether’ that cause closeness to seem needed and yet awkward and undesirable simply because of how impossibly awkward going from standing next to a person, talking about [something/nothing] is to comfortably cuddling/kissing/canoodling.

Clear evidence of the ‘dumb animal’ qualities exhibited by humans occurs at this stage. Evolution should have prepared humanity for a rabbit-style procreation scheme that begins after puberty, but because humans live way longer than most mammals, ‘nature’ seems to have ‘elongated the process’ over the course of a ‘gut-wrenching’ seven years before interaction seems easy and like meeting people will ‘just happen’ and the weird hormonal awkwardness is just a ‘remnant’ of ‘puberdy’ or something.



CHILD-REARING FOLKS

The social drive in humans to ‘connect’ seems ‘the most useless’ in full-grown adults due to the absurd, ‘childish’, aggression-repressing antics it inspires. Since the evolution-based 49:51 male-to female ratio caused humanity to deduce that monogamy is a practical way to live lonely, meaningless lives, people spend a lot of time in their 20’s//30’s//40’s trying to produce the ‘choicest’ of spawn with the ‘choicest’ of fuckbuddies/donors in what seems to be a woman inspired vague sense of ‘wanting to have a cute lil baby’ and have prolonged feelings of ‘security’ and ‘unconditional love’, while bros have been evolutionally catered to in that they equally vaguely like to go around cumming inside of ‘choicest’ vaginas while thinking of abstract ideas of ‘hotness’ and concentrating on vaguely good-feeling peen stimulation.

Also: ‘Who will inherit my empire?’

This process, a basic aspect of humanity’s long-term survival, seems totally chill, except that the emotional unpredictability inspired by learned reactions to feelings of jealousy, inadequacy, alienation and [something describing not having had physical interaction for prolonged periods of time] ‘contact-withdrawal’ are the same feelings that cause people to kill each other when aggravated due to prolonged feelings of insecurity. If every1 were ‘totally secure’ in how terrible life inevitably is and learned to think sarcastically about ‘progress’, ‘hope’ and ‘change’, everyone would spend more time being happy because of ‘humor’ and not pursuing conflict-driven goals/ideals.

When adult humans are not preoccupied with indulging all of these vague feelings of ‘longing’ [via procreation instinct], it seems like they only perform ego-boosting tasks that either are meaningless and repetitive or seem to try to initiate



DYING TIME

People don’t want to die alone after having lived for a super long time dealing with confusing feelings of wanting to [and at the same time not wanting to] interact with specific types of people. So out of fear they cling 2 their offspring & living friends, pinching lil cheeks and stretching gnarled, saggily arms out for bony, uncomfortable, old people boob-filled hugs and drooly smooches.

Wanting to hold someone’s hand when ‘it’s time 2 go’ seems mad selfish, since that person will probably be super traumatized by ur death. Seems better to let him/her go off doing fun meaningless things sarcastically while you die instead of being all ‘teary-eyed’ and confused about whether you went to heaven or nirvana or in2 another womb or something.


BONUS VID//BONUS VID//BONUS VID